Posted in Mental Health

Cycle

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I have little to no idea what to write today. I honestly just feel like complaining about stuff, mostly the fact that every psychiatrist I’ve had who tried to figure out if I was bipolar or not might be right. I was so sure that I wasn’t because I was never manic. At best I was productive and functional. At worst I was suicidal. But no one had told me or considered that there was another type of bipolar that didn’t involve mania. So do I really have treatment resistant depression or is it a type of bipolar disorder and I’ve been treated for the wrong thing? I don’t know. I just feel frustrated with my mental health in general especially right now as I may be coming out of a depressive episode.

I started cooking again. Not much. Just some scrambled eggs with my frozen pancakes. Some veggies and meat to toss with my microwave Korean BBQ noodles and I’m trying to get up the energy to cook some hamburgers and fried in the oven. It’s not much, but lately even microwaving something has been an effort if it goes on for too long. But that’s because of my anxiety more than my depression. My depression makes it hard for me to do things. My anxiety makes it hard for me to do nothing for any period of time.

If I’m not active, physically or mentally in some way, I get restless and anxious, not just bored but in actual distress. So I end up filling my days lately with movies and Stardew valley, both at the same time. I have a picture journal I doodle in every day, I plan my days to try and get chores done which I don’t really, or at least not often. I have a journal I write a little something in each day, and I reread some of my books that I’ve written. I just reread the last one and it’s terrible. I’ll have to rewrite it honestly.

I spend so much of my time just coping and now I just feel so incredibly disatisfied with that. I’m not writing so it’s not exactly productive, but at the same time, I can’t figure out anything else to do with myself. I started a free creative writing course, where they give you prompts for thirty one days to get you in the habit of writing, but I’m having trouble with it. My mind is actively resisting doing more than the outlines they ask you to do. I thought about doing a blogging course, maybe get back into blogging again. I haven’t since october and not much since then But I’ve been in an emotional slump since last August/ September at least. I did have a cooking spree around october and a writing spree a little after that, I don’t know. It’s so hard to keep track of my moods and mental health.

Maybe it’s more about finding something stimulating enough. I don’t know. I am tired and frustrated and am just coming out of a two week long flu that’s not quite over yet. Why is it every time I’m in any sort of mood it feels like it has or will last forever. Time just seems to have no meaning sometimes. And now here I am rambling over all sorts of stuff. But at least I’m writing something down. i’m a bit of a mess but I know I’m not the only one.

Posted in Mental Health

Adulting

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

One of the things I dislike about being in residential housing and having to go to a day program is that it makes me feel like I’m a teenager in high school except there’s no end in sight and no grades or anything. I get an allowance. I have chores. I have to go to my program for half the day which is an advantage over school, and there’s no homework, but it still feels boring and repetitive and it’s hard to concentrate. A lot more so that school ever felt.

I have a curfew; eleven o’clock. I never go out anywhere or do anything except visit my children, so it’s not really an issue to me, but just having one feels infantalizing. It’s true I have to cook my own meals and do my own shopping and laundry and basic things like that but it’s hard to feel like an adult when I’m at home or at the program.

The only time I feel remotely like an adult is when I’m with my two older boys. I cook for them and I help them clean. I help them with their homework when I can and we basically just hang out otherwise, them doing their thing and me doing mine. I don’t feel like a particularly successful adult, but at least I feel like an adult.

I know I’m in a good position and that I need to be in residential and need to go to the program, but at the same time it makes me feel unprepared and incapable. The fact that I am in fact unprepared and incapable doesn’t help. Yet somehow I manage to help take care of my children when I go see them. I can manage enough to be a stay at home mom, I guess but beyond that… Even too much of this wears me out.

Why am I so weak and immature? Why is my ‘stable’ at such a lower level of functioning than everyone else? I wish I knew. I wish I was different, but I don’t know what to do about it. Everything I have and am doing now keeps me stable and out of the hospital, but too much and I’d end up back in. It’s frustrating. Will I ever be able to function on my own? I don’t know.

Posted in Mental Health

Restless

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

My headache is gone, which is nice, but I’m back at the program now. We’re doing problem solving in class. Nothing new; write problem, write options, pro and cons list, decide. So I’m bored. As usual.

I tried to write. I finished the chapter but I’m stuck again. It was only a few paragraphs too so it didnt take much time. My tablet needs charging so I can’t play stardew valley. Im stuck in my reading and journaling is hard. I don’t always have that much to say.

So I’m feeling restless and anxious and bored and distressed. I have fifteen more minutes until class ends. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. I don’t know.

The stupid plug keeps coming loose from the charger so I may not be able to use my tablet in the van on my way home either.

We’re listening to music now. I suggested the first song just to participate. Curses by the crane wives. I doubt we’ll get to finish it. Nope they shut it off near the end. 

I should start listening to music again find my earbuds or buy more or something. I have sound cloud on my phone so I could. Of course that’ll have to wait until next month.

I like the buds with cords. Id loose one or more of the cordless buds making them useless. Kind of makes me feel like a kid with a string on his mittens but I have to be honest with myself. Of course given I lost the ones with strings it might not help.

Im going to see if my tablet has charged any. 5%. Great. Well, I don’t have anything more to say. Have a good day and remember, better not perfect.

Posted in Mental Health

Headache

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I just got back from my boys’ house yesterday and today I have a splitting headache. Not sure why. It’s making the day very, very long. I thought I made a few new friends over social media in regards to my fan fiction on AO3 but nope, a couple people wanting me to commission their artwork. I wish them well, but I feel kind of depressed about it. Finding compliments are just a sales pitch is a little disheartening. I guess I’m just not going to give out my email to so called ‘fans’ anymore. It kind of sucks. I should have been suspicious when one of them went straight to my spam folder.

I’m kind of stuck with writing, too, and my headache doesn’t help. Nothing’s fun or entertaining. I can’t even read that much. My games are at that point where you have to pay money to go faster and its just so slow now. Everything just requires so much money now. And food is just so expensive too. It’s only the nineteenth and I’m already out of food stamps. I have enough food to last me, but I can’t keep doing this. I kind of just want to cry.

My residential program is having inspections. They bought us a new couch. It came in a compressed cube. No one could lift it. I think they got maintenence to come bring it inside. It’s kind of cool and comfy and blue, which is nice. They also bought new cookware. I wish I’d known so I wouldn’t have wasted $30 on new frying pans this month. I’ll just take them to the boys’ house next month. I cleaned up before I left so that’s good.

My therapist never called this morning for our appointment. I don’t know why. I haven’t been able to get a hold of her. Which sucks because I’m kind of depressed and kind of wanted to talk this week. Plus I’ll have to schedule another appointment with her for next week. I dunno what’s going on. I’ll try and contact her again later this afternoon.

I found my crochet needles, so I’ve started making a small bag. I don’t know if I’ll end up finishing it or not but it’s something to fill the time.

My therapist just called back and we had a short session which is nice. Apparently the first phone call had trouble going through and the second one she made went straight to voicemail which I don’t even have set up. That makes no sense because no one called this morning and the phone was on all morning long and charging so I didn’t miss anything. Apparently their new phone system has been having trouble. Hopefully that won’t happen again next week.

I”m going to go get something to eat. Probably some ramen and a chicken spinach salad. Hopefully my head will be better tomorrow. I hope you have a better day than I have so far. And remember, better, not perfect.

Posted in Random Thoughts

Sleepless Night

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I went to Lidl’s yesterday and, as always, got some microwave indian food, some other stuff, and my favorite dessert of all time, tiramisu. I ate the entire six-serving thing after meds, forgetting it’s made with espresso or cappuccino or some strong coffee with caffeine in it, and thus ended up not sleeping all night.

I feel fine, though I was half hoping I wouldn’t so I’d have an excuse to stay home today, but nope. But one unfortunate thing is that I forgot to charge my tablet and phone to a hundred percent before I left for the program today. I also forgot to charge my power bank. They ended up both dying on the ride home leaving me anxious and restless and not happy at all.

But after a minute I kind of relaxed and my mind started wandering from book to book a little. I survived the ride without too much distress but I’m glad to be home now with at least access to my laptop while my phone and tablet charge. I should be cleaning my room right now. I’ll try to when I’m done with this. It won’t take long, but it always feels like a lot to do even when it isn’t.

I need to sweep and mop the entire attic too, and clean my toilet and call mobility to both set up an appointment on Friday and get their fax number so I can send in my recertification form. I have to call two days in advance now because someone hacked their website and it crashed so I can’t make the reservations online anymore. They’re apparently really backed up.

We’re having an inspection soon, which is always a pain, but at least they finally fixed the air conditioner problem so my attic room is no longer the hottest room in the house. Though they had it set to 68 degrees so I had to increase it to 76 so it wouldn’t be cold.

I’m going to visit my children on Friday for a week. They’re not in school yet because their father wants them in county schools but they’re just inside the city line so they can’t go. He’s doing an appeal and keeping them out of school until then. It’s driving me nuts. I worry about truancy and absences and them not being able to catch up when they get back. It’s been almost three weeks already. That’s a lot of time to be out of school.

But on a brighter note. My son finally got all the parts to make his computer, and he made it, and it runs perfectly. He’s thrilled, and so am I. I think it’s so cool that he did that. One of the parts came broken but he got a new one from Amazon that came that same day and put in for a refund. They only refunded him $6 instead of $30 though, so who knows what that’s about. Oh well, we’ll figure it out.

I’ve started working on my fanfiction again. It’d been years since I last worked on it and there was one unfinished one that I really have to complete so I’m doing that now. I’m averaging a chapter a day again so I’m officially back in my writing phase. I got some more notebooks from Walmart for 35 cents each so I”m set for a little bit. Unfortunately my otherwise wonderful pens bleed through the paper so I have to write on only one side of the sheet meaning I”ll go through notebooks twice as fast as usual. which sucks. Ah well. I can always just get some more.

I have not been doing well on my diet. Too much snacking but I”ve managed not to gain weight so once I get the snacking under control. I”ll be able to start losing weight again without having to relose some. Not that I”m doing so well today as I”m currently munching on maple drizzled kettle corn (without a bit of real maple syrup/sugar in it). I’ll make up for it around dinner time, though.

I hope you have a good day and remember, Better not perfect.

Posted in Random Thoughts

Early Morning Riser

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

It’s 6:47 and I’m awake. Kind of. I’m still tired but I always wake with or before the sun regardless. I rarely sleep in. Of course I rarely stay up late too. I’m in bed around eight and usually asleep by nine or ten.

Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night for an hour or so. It’s annoying but it’s a good thing since my periods get heavy at times and even the best overnights don’t last overnight.

It’s hard to know what to do with myself though. I’m never quite awake and games are often burdensome. Reading too. I’m def not ready to get up and make breakfast yet. If I tried I’d just have a hodgepodge of easily assembled things for a meal. I don’t even know why I’m blogging right now.

On of the residential staff just called and told us to take our meds. We were packed for the morning today, probably because it’s Labor Day. Usually someone comes and monitors us sometime between seven and nine. Usually closer to seven.

I have to start thinking about breakfast. I want scrambled eggs but I don’t want to deal with the disaster the pan will be afterwards. I’m definitely going to get a new pan when I get my check.

I think for now I’ll just get up and have some yogurt and popcorn or something. Maybe some mangos and hope to wake up. Have a good morning and remember better not perfect.

Posted in Diet, Food

Animal Crackers

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So, I’ve been munching on animal crackers a lot lately. They’re something I like but not enough to over do like most snack foods. I had a couple handfuls this morning along with some blueberries and Greek yogurt for breakfast and it was pretty filling.

Ive been snacking alot lately. Just for something to do I guess or as a way to deal with the ever present underlying anxiety I feel. I’m trying to stop but then it leaves me with the anxiety and restlessness. So I try to have better snacks around like sugar free jello and popcorn and animal crackers. I guess I’m managing it okay because I havent gained any weight back but I don’t like feeling out of control like this.

I’m doing okay with my meals keeping them between 400-600 calories. If I could just get my snacking under control i’d start losing weight again. I managed to only eat six chicken wing pieces, not the whole wings but the tiny drumstick and other piece and I was satisfied. I’d made broccoli and beef from a microwave dinner but it wasn’t what I usually get , a substitution from Walmart, and it was kind of terrible. The sauce didn’t taste good and it was mostly onion. So I ended up eating the tiny pieces of beef and some on the broccoli before throwing it out and getting the wings.

Ive decided to start walking after meals again. I did Thursday and Friday but not last night as last night it was mostly just snacking and I brought it all upstairs. I need to get used to eating in the dining room again. At least for dinner.

I also need to get another frying pan when my check comes. The one we have has most of the non stick scraped off from people using metal spatulas and stuff. Plus it’s kind of bowed in the middle instead of flat keeping it from sitting on the burner evenly. It’s fine for things like ground beef and chili or something that fills it but for cooking eggs it’s a nightmare. They stick like no one’s business even with oil or spray. Scrambled eggs are the worst and I want scrambled eggs for my breakfasts instead of other ways.

I can’t make an omelette in that pan it won’t cook evenly. I like my fried gs over easy and they’d stick and lose the yolk in the pan. Plus I eat those on toast and I’m trying to minimize my carbs since I’m diabetic now plus it’s good for losing weight. Animal crackers are the biggest exception and I heard they’re a good snack for diabetics.

I had gotten the big bear container last time and it lasted a while. This time I just got the bag to refill it and it turned out there was more in the bag than would fit in the bear. The bag is cheaper besides. So I’m just going to keep refilling the bear.

I got microwave popcorn too. Popcorn counts as a whole grain so I feel okay about eating it. I got movie butter popcorn though and not light so is not exactly low calorie. I’ll probably get light next time. Any ideas on good snacks ft diabetics? Nothing too expensive or requiring a recipe please. I don’t have the money or the energy for that.

Have a good day and remember, better not perfect.

Posted in Mental Health

Daily Prompt

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

Why do you blog?

I started blogging to have something productive to do. I couldn’t keep it up though and stopped for a few years. Now I’m trying to keep doing it partly to have something to do and partly to co next with people and expand my horizons. It’s not going very well, but I guess if even one person relates and can feel that they’re not alone in feeling and going through what they are, it’s good enough to try to keep going.

Posted in Mental Health

It’s been a while…

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I stopped posting for a little bit. I ran out of things to say and just kind of slid into anhedonia. I’m still kind of low. I just want to eat and snack and do nothing but read and play Stardew valley, though I feel less like playing Stardew valley than I did. I try to write my books but it’s kind of hard. 

I get like this sometimes. I have periods where I’m massively productive either with crafts or writing, I make good changes in my life then I’ll melt into a puddle of nothingness for no reason. I lose all motivation and energy to do anything. Usually it doesn’t change until my medication is adjusted and gets worse the week before my period.

Right now I’m not quite bad enough for a medication adjustment, but I’m bad enough that I can’t seem to do much of anything I enjoy. I’m trying to pick myself up again. I had stopped walking after meals. Now I’m trying to walk after dinner and build back up to every meal. It didn’t go so badly. It wasn’t as hard or burdensome as thinking about it felt like. I’ll try to do it again tomorrow.

I stopped doing my diet kind of, I still tried to keep my meals at 400-600 calories but I started snacking. A lot. I’m very surprised i didn’t regain any weight. I’m trying to cut out snacks again, or at least limit them to sugar free jello which is only five calories and tastes good. Or a handful of animal crackers for around a hundred calories. I dunno. Animal crackers are good but never seem to make me binge on them.

I’m in love with spinach salad with grilled chicken and crumbled goat cheese with honey mustard dressing. I pair it with a protein shake to get it above 400 calories for a meal. I just prefer spinach to iceberg lettuce when it comes to salads. I’m not sure why.

I’m currently trying to resist making some popcorn or something. I had a container of frozen microwave beef and broccoli and rice which was delicious and only 380 cal. I forgot to refrigerate a protein drink so I had a sugar free pudding and a Greek yogurt with it. I did do my walk afterwards. I read on my phone while doing it so it didn’t feel like it took very long.

I dunno. I’m just going to keep trying I guess. I made the walks one of my goals for my IRP( individual rehabilitation plan) at my program and I’m going to meet with my program counselor every Thursday morning now to go over my progress for the week. I have a meal planner that I’m going to jot down my meals but it doesn’t have room for snacks. But it’ll be good to refer to.

I’m not sure what else I’m going to do for my IRP. I feel kind of ambivalent about my goals and having to make them and do new ones every six months. I do great then backslide when my mood drops and have to redo the same or similar goals all over again. It’s kind of depressing.

Anyway that’s it for today. Sorry I didn’t write in so long. I hope you have a good day and remember, better not perfect.