My experiences living with and attempts to untangle the gordian knot of my mental illnesses, anxiety and depression.
Tell us about your morning routine.
I wake up at around 630 and get up and dressed around seven thirty when I take my medication. I get ready for the van to my day program which comes at eight thirty and at nine I eat breakfast. That’s pretty much it.
I’m smart and I learn quickly. I always have been this way. I get bored quickly too. After a couple months of productivity I become restless and move onto the next project sometimes not even finishing the latest one. It’s not a problem though because I do this with my hobbies.
With most things I try I’m a gifted amateur. Mostly because I don’t have the passion to become more than that and I’m largely satisfied with that. I don’t mind being a jack of all trades. But I’ve come to realize that when it comes to my writing I may just be no more than a gifted amateur there too.
I say this because I wait for inspiration, which is apparently a big no-no for being a professional writer. You’re supposed to write a little each day no matter what because it’s work, hard work. But no when I’m done writing I’m just done, worn out and that’s all there is to it.
Of course this is usually because in my bursts of inspiration I wrote two or three books at a time, within a couple of months, and I burn out. I’ve written 30 books this way. Nothing traditionally published yet because I’m a coward, but I’m working on it. And I’m putting some stuff up on Amazon Kindle praying for luck because I can’t afford advertising.
I mean I’ve sold a couple ebooks so technically I’m a professional, and it’s not like my books are lacking. They’re just kind of different. I don’t really use classical literary devices. I don’t have a whole bunch of knowledge in any particular subject to show off and I write in the first person present tense for the entire book with the events happening in real time. And I know that’s weird.
But I love writing. And I love reading what I wrote and I love other people reading what I wrote. I guess that’s what’s really important, not whether I’m doing it right or wrong or if I’m professional enough or something. I just wish more people would read my stuff.
The genie grants you a wish. What is it?
World peace. Just kidding. I want a billion dollars so I can take care of myself and others.
The daily prompt made me think of it, but I used to have so many plans and ideas of things I could do. Ways I’d reform the system. Now I’m just struggling with living day to day beyond even what most people have to, though I’m blessed with a lot of help but social and government aid.
I had an idea for renovating condemned houses where the people who want the houses would contribute time and labor to build it and others houses themselves or do community service of some kind. This would help people without jobs get decent housing. I had a whole plan with regulations and such to to motivate people and reassure others that it was NOT a hand out and it’d be available to everyone who needed a permanent residence.
I had an idea for a large apartment complex for transitional housing fully furnished with sections for the elderly and for college students singles and families and guests too. The first floor would be let out to a grocery store, and a pharmacy and necessary stores. Plus a doctor’s office and a place for DSS to set up a branch. There’d be a child care co-op and a cafeteria where you could buy meals for cost. And a study area for kids with a tutor to help with homework. Jobs would be prioritized for residents and it’d be thirty percent of their income no matter how little. I called it Fahrudeen village.
And I designed apartment complexes and a system of business where everyone made seventy thousand a year no matter what with only the perks and benefits increasing as you went up the ladder with raises that match cost of living increases.
I had so many ideas and was able to do absolutely nothing because of my depression and anxiety. And the fact that I’m poor with only a partial college education. I wish I was rich so I could actually do these things. I wish I was healthy so I could at least take care of myself but life doesn’t always go the way you want it to.
If you could start a new business right now, what would it be?
A store for craft supplies taking broken or torn clothing linens jewelry, yarn scraps, and bags and reducing them to their basic components. I’d make quilt patches out of the torn cloth and sell beads and buttons and clasps I’d even have a section for board game prices and cards so people with missing prices or cards could either sell them to me or buy the missing prices. I’d have old books and magazines for art use and have classes on how to use them, charging only for supplies. I’d have basic stuff too like thread and needles and crafting tools. It’d be open before and after working hours and I’d provide snacks for the classes which would be on a weekend.
So the Internet is still being wonky. I still don’t know why but a ticket has been put in so someone should come take a look at it at some point.
I’ve been using the time when it’s down completely to study my old nutrition and Spanish textbooks that I bought a while ago. The nutrition book is fifteen frickin years old but most of the info still good. Meanwhile who knows how old the Spanish book is, and I don’t have access to the online resources and audio clips that make up half the lessons. But it’s still something.
I’ve been mostly reading manga since oddly enough that’s still available when the net is half working. Same with Deep Stash. Sometimes I do Stardew Valley but I’m definitely not as enthused by it as I once was.
Mostly I put off my chores. Like today I wanted to change my sheets, sweep the floor and hang up my laundry. I did none of that so far. I considered it and wrote in my journal instead and right now I’m writing this post instead of getting it done.
I’m still seeing Halal Monday Guy. So I have to get this done before I see him tomorrow. Maybe I’ll get it done with last minute panic. But I also have a family farm on Stardew Valley that I’m playing tomorrow with my daughter and mother before I see him and I have group before that.
Maybe I just won’t go to group. I don’t know. I never want to go honestly and I have plenty of time to do this stuff tonight. It just makes me feel so heavy you know. Like trying to do stuff with a mattress strapped to your back.
Well I’d better stop procrastinating and do something. Even if it’s just hanging up five pieces of clothes that’s something. Getting started is the hard part. But I guess I’ll do it anyway.
Do you believe in karma?
I believe in consequences and benefits to actions that have farther reaching results than we can imagine but the idea of someone handing out punishments and blessings based on actions is a little hard for me to believe. Especially since my abusive exes haven’t been struck by lightening.
So my Internet is acting up now. The only thing I can seem to do is read manga and go on my deep stash app and I don’t know why. Plus it keeps going on and off.
I tried emptying my caches. I tried restarting the router. I tried clearing my history. I don’t even know what to do. It’s not just my phone either it’s my laptop.
I can’t even Google an answer because it won’t let me do that either. Does anyone know what’s going on? If so help! Please! I need to access my bank account at the very least and I can’t.
I’m losing my mind this evening. I ran out of data and the internet’s acting up. Even when it’s working I can’t get to safelink to buy more data. It’s driving me nuts.
I can’t read manga. I can’t do my self help notes. I’m sick of Stardew valley. It’s just not stimulating enough anymore. I can’t use my apps. I’m not tired yet. I already showered. I just got the trash cans from down the driveway, at night, in the rain. Of course I did that so I didn’t have to take the cleaning supplies to the basement. (I hate those stairs. Anyways now I’m soaking wet.
I just want to read my manga until I’m tired. I should have bought more data at the first alert but I thought I’d be fine at home at least. You know, since we have internet. I dunno.
I could crochet I guess but without music or a movie to do it in front of it’s too boring. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Halal Monday Guy is at work so I can’t talk to him. I tried journaling but there’s nothing to really say.
Maybe I’ll go over my notes again or copy over affirmations or something. I can’t meditate because it drives me nuts having to be still and do nothing but wait for thoughts to float by. Maybe I’ll practice cursive. Putting pen to paper is very relaxing to me. Not that I know what to write.
What do you do when you’re stuck with nothing you want to do?
I
So I’ve gotten into micro learning again. I went through a phase last year and have a couple books of notes/outlined. First I copied those over but it wasn’t enough for me so I’m doing more from the apps. I’m using five apps; sparkle, leap ahead, headway, blinkist and deep stash.
My favorite so far is deep stash. It has not only condensed books but articles too and you can read them for free. The only downside is the ads. I’ve seen so many ads for Paladin I want to scream, but still it’s worth it for the information.
The other four apps have at least one free book of the day,but the rest of the books require a subscription. They’re worth downloading for the free books, but deep stash is probably the only one I’d get a subscription for when I can afford it. I hate those ads so much.
I’m trying to get myself together and there are so many self help books and productivity books and communication books. Just any sort of nonfiction you’d want. Some are complete crap and most nutrition ones are psuedo science at best but there’s plenty of good advice and practices out there.
Well, I guess that’s it. If you must get one get deep stash but if you’re greedy like me try all five to see the formatting you like the best.
