Posted in Behavior

Am I Just Lazy?

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I’ve been having a problem lately. It’s hard for me to do my chores. I forget about them. I get distracted by my game, manga and taking notes. When I do think about them they seem insurmountable and at the same time unimportant.  I know neither is true, but I get exhausted just thinking about them.

Like today. I have three things I have to do. Change my sheets, put away my clean clothes and put my dirty clothes in the laundry bags for tomorrow.  I also have to take a shower and take the bags down to the basement but those can definitely be put off til tomorrow. Though it would be better if I did it tonight.

Changing my sheets is not a big task, but it needs to be done because I eat in bed and my fitted sheets are a mess. But I also write and play games and do pretty much everything at home in bed too so it’s covered in notebooks and my laptop and a dish of strawberry leafs and stems and Nutella jar from my afternoon snack. So it feels like a big job.

Putting my clean clothes away isn’t that hard either. It’ll maybe take ten minutes at most. And then putting stuff in the laundry bags will take maybe two minutes at most. But I have to do my bed first.

It’s already five forty six in the evening and I stayed home today to get it done in the morning too. I scheduled each task with one per hour in the morning just to make it easier so I can rest in between and not feel overwhelmed. But did I follow the schedule? No. I forgot about it and got sucked into reading manga.

I can put it off till tomorrow but I have to do laundry tomorrow and do two loads at that. I also have to make a turkey dinner for my friends who are coming at five and then stay up to see the guy I’m dating after he gets off of work, maybe.

I’m tempted to ask my residential counselor to help me change my sheets to help me get off my butt and get started, but it’s embarrassing to think about. It’s not a hard thing to do. I should be able to do it on my own without help. I can do it on my own without help. I’m just having trouble getting started.

Ugh and I forgot it’s Thursday so I have to do my chores too like cleaning the kitchen and sweeping the living room and dining room too and make dinner, though that’ll just be microwaving something.

I don’t want to do it. I just want to stay in bed and wait and do it later. I don’t even want to make dinner. I’m not currently depressed. Or at least not as depressed as I should be to excuse these feelings. There’s just a restlessness and need for constant stimulation and heaviness and general apathy.

I dunno maybe I’ve just gotten lazy.

Posted in Mental Health

Daily Prompt 8/28

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

What’s the weirdest coincidence you’ve ever experienced?

So I suffer from depression and long ago when I wasn’t being treated for it, I had decided to kill myself. I took every pill in the house with ice cream  but before I could finish it, a friend came in the apartment (I never locked my door then) and asked me to go to the driving range with him. I said okay, got up went to the bathroom, threw up the pills and ice cream and went to the driving range.

I didn’t manage to get them all because I was high as anything the next day or two, but when I crashed I went to the hospital and got treated.

But see, nobody ever just dropped by to see me or ask me to do things. Ever. And for someone to do that at that particular moment just struck me as too surreal, like a sign or something. It was really weird.

Posted in Entertainment

Bad Music is not Fun

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about Instruments of Healing before. It’s a thing where people can play whatever instruments they want and listen to music or sing a song. The point is having fun, but I have to confess I don’t always enjoy it mostly because of bad music.

By bad music I mean bad performances. Some people cannot sing at all. Some people cannot play the instruments they’re playing at all. One person plays the drums like a toddler banging on pots, just making noise to make noise, no sense of rhythm. It’s good they’re having fun I guess but it makes me cringe.

Time tends to drag when music usually makes it fly by. It’s only ten forty four. Forty five minutes left before lunch. Forty five minutes left of bad performances. But there are a few who do alright. I’ll just play Stardew Valley on my phone until then and hope we have something good for lunch.

Posted in Food

Overeating

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I’m not doing great with eating these past few weeks. I’ve been munching in golden double stuffed oreos and cheese balls which are stale somehow, though I just got them . Today I had two full calorie root beers a full breakfast of eggs English muffin and sweet potato tater tots then two cupcakes, a PBJ sandwich and a milk with an ice pop for dessert then I went home and ate handfuls of stale cheese balls. I’m considering getting another root beer ( diet this time) and Oreos though I have been full since the first cupcake and am not the least hungry.

What the hell am I doing? I’ve stopped picking at my face mostly. Is this how my stress is coming out now? I don’t even particularly want to eat. I kind of want to take a nap. Probably because I’m so stuffed. I’ve played Stardew valley most of the day but it doesn’t help much.  I’m not sure what to do with myself and may even not have dinner or just have cookies and soda for dinner which is not a good thing. I just want to eat, that’s all. And eat and eat.

This is annoying.  I can at least hold out another hour or so until dinner though, right? I do need a drink but does it have to be soda? I dunno. I want something sweet. Which right now means cookies.  I could eat an apple but it’s not sweet enough for my cravings and I don’t think I could finish it. I don’t want to waste it, but then again what do you call eating food you don’t desire and don’t need besides wasting it?

What a first world problem. I’m eating too much. Stress eating, emotional eating, eating because I’m bored. Wasting money on this stuff. I shouldn’t be doing it. But thinking about it makes me tired and I crave food more because of the stress. Hopefully I can figure something out tomorrow.

Posted in Mental Health

Daily prompt 7/27

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

If you could rewrite any book’s ending, which one would you choose?

I’d remove the last chapter from most Jude Devereau books. They’re just slapped on to make the ending tidier when it doesn’t need to be.

Posted in Relationships

He Called!

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So Halal Monday Guy texted me yesterday close to five. Apparently there’s no Internet there and he had to find a coffee shop and use their wifi. I didn’t even consider no wifi. It goes to show how westernized I really am. We didn’t get to talk long, But he texted me which is the important thing.

That means he’s thinking about me and wants to talk to me, and did not just ghost me like a jerk, which I feel bad for assuming now. I’m very happy and much less stressed. I look forwards to September when he’ll be back.

Posted in Mental Health

Generalized Anxiety

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I get anxious all the time. If I’m bored or understimulated or overstimulated my default state is mild constant anxiety. I’m tense and over alert, and easily distracted. And that’s without cause for distress. If there is cause it gets worse. Like sitting next to a very smelly person (they have to be very very smelly people because I have a poor sense of smell.) or not hearing from someone and not knowing if there’s a problem with communication or I’m being ghosted.

I have a tension headache actually now and  my back and shoulders are super tense and even distracting myself by typing doesn’t help enough. We’re actually discussing chronic stress right now and it’s not engaging enough to distract me and calm my nerves.

It’s not even about thoughts. I know nothing’s wrong and I’m not thinking negative things I’m just feeling anxious like a smoke alarm that goes off for no reason. Constantly and not even changing the batteries helps. My stress system is broken.

People don’t like to think about people being broken. Especially in regards to mental health.  But that’s the truth. We have broken processes, thought wise or chemical wise and sometimes we just don’t know how to fix it.

My thoughts are better than they have been, but what’s left is a chemical thing. An overactive alarm system. Breathing doesn’t help, meditation makes it worse, it’s annoying. Sometimes walking helps taking the chemicals created by the stress response and using them. But not always and playing games helps sometimes but not always. It’s frustrating and I don’t know what to do about it.

Posted in Mental Health

Daily Prompt 7/21

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

What app eats up most of your screen time — and do you even feel bad about it?

Stardew Valley and I absolutely do not feel bad about it. It’s my main coping mechanism when I’m feeling anxious.

Posted in Mental Health

Feeling Foolish

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I hadn’t heard from Halal Monday Guy since he left. He said he’d text me on WhatsApp, but he hasn’t. I was going to wait a week then text him but I figured a hello wouldn’t be out of order, so I sent a hello today. Hello, hope you’re doing well and having fun. you know something simple.

Now the thing with What’s App is that you can see if it’s been seen or not. And it’s been seen but he hasn’t said anything back. It’s been four hours since I sent it. I’m not sure when it was seen. I’m not a hundred percent sure of the time difference or how busy he is or what he’s doing.

Does he even want to hear from me? I’m just someone he dated twice and talked to a bit. Have I been doing too much? Maybe he just doesn’t like me as much as I like him. I’m never sure what to do with a crush. I just don’t get them.

Am I bothering him and he’s just too nice to say anything? Am I being a nuisance? I don’t know. How do you act? How do you behave? How do you know he’s not that into you and it’s not just your own anxiety problem jumping to conclusions? I suppose I should just assume he isn’t if he’s not texting me now that he’s out of the country.

I just feel foolish. Whichever way it is I feel foolish like I should know things I don’t. I don’t know. I hate dating. If I don’t hear from him I’m just going to take a break from it all. For all that I dated two guys briefly, I’m going to take a break. I can’t help but feeling depressed, though.

Maybe I have that rejection sensitivity thing. It makes it harder to do things like this. And to send out my stuff to literary agents. I need so much time to recover after a few rejections in order to try again. I dunno. Maybe this is normal. I have no idea. I wish I knew.