Posted in Food

Crash and Burn Diet Edition

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I had an unfortunate incident a couple of weeks ago where my meds stopped working as well and I had to go to the hospital (depression) it kind of crushed my diet, though I’ve stayed generally steady weight wise the last couple weeks. It’s been hard to get back on and stay back on. I’m not quite as great as I was and cookings harder. That’s not good because it’s a necessity when it comes to following Atkins with any hope of affordability.

A friend of mine actually hooked me up with a gluten sensitivity research study. I have an appointment to do the screening Monday. And I realized maybe my low carb practically no gluten diet might interfere with the test results. Solution? Gluten up tonight and tomorrow and before the test. Of course since it means breaking my diet I might as well go all out. I’m buying cake and pizza and will carboload to my hearts content.

It’s been hard even though I got some Atkins candy snacks which are pretty good, the peanut butter cups and the chocolate coconut bars. I also got some keto ice cream which is good but had freezer burn and was a little grainy like it had been frozen and unfrozen. For some reason the snacks trigger my cravings and it’s hard not to overeat them. I’m thinking I shouldn’t get any more if only because of that.

If it turns out I do have a gluten sensitivity I’m eligible for the study which pays over a thousand dollars. This could fund my college exams for ten classes at the very least! Except I’d have to have a gluten diet with gluten which will definitely mean carbs. But be honest in exchange for over a thousand dollars wouldn’t you throw away your diet for a month? If I make sure not to over eat I can still at least maintain my weight. Maybe even loose as most diets just have a problem with sustainability and I can definitely handle one month.

So given the chance I’m definitely going to do the study. And spoil myself rotten tomorrow. You know, for science.

Posted in Food

Too Broke to Diet?

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I was enthusiastic over my new low-carb diet. I’d get to eat as much as I want but I’d want to eat less. And that sounded good. Surely eating less and eating less snacks and carbs and all of that stuff would lead to me spending less money, right? Wrong. Meat is expensive. Eggs are expensive. Cheese is the usual price and veggies go bad very very fast. Granted I have a ridiculous amount of salads for everything but I use multiple kinds of lettuce and none of them iceburg. I may have to rethink that at least price wise.

So I bought cheese and meat and eggs and salad and dressing and splurged on a few things because I was sure the meat I bought would last me the month. Nope. It lasted maybe two weeks and I have enough left for maybe half a week left. I forgot, you see that I’d be making breakfast lunch and dinner every single day. Silly thing to forget right? While most people that would end up as a net savings, as it’s an alternative to eating out. I never had enough money to eat out in the first place. What I did have was a day program I have to attend 5 days a week that provides breakfast and lunch. Are they great breakfasts and lunches? No but they’re decent and they’re free. But are they low carb breakfast and lunches? Not one damn bit.

So Breakfast is now a two egg omlette, usually mushroom, usually with goat cheese crumbles which I am in love with. Lunch is leftovers from the day before, usually with or as a salad. Dinner is some sort of meat and veg, often salad because I have three different greens and I don’t want it to go bad. My mistake was one- not getting enough chicken breasts because each chicken breast is enough for two servings for me. And two not paying attention to portions when it comes to the meat I get.

For instance I got beef short ribs for 2.99 a lb. Great deal right? Except each pack of @ 2 lbs is about two servings worth. Most of the weight is the bones, after all. Is it worth it? Yes. Was it smart to buy four of them? No. Meat is so expensive. I didn’t buy and separate bulk meats. I didn’t pay attention to packaging. I wanted to get some generic steak ums I ended up getting a pack of four steak shaped clusters of shaved steak. It’s nice but not as easy to portion out slowly. I had to cook a whole cluster at once. of course I did often get two meals out of it each so there’s that. It tastes great on salad with thousand island dressing and onions and peppers. And also great as an omlette filling.

Then there were snacks and dressings and sharing. I cook and love to share my food. I do, but if you’re living on a meat-based diet that’s not exactly the most cost-effective thing to do especially if you don’t get anything back. The keto snacks were a HUGE mistake and the cheese for snacks was a huge mistake, too. I love cheese but it’s as expensive as meat and snacking on several ounces at a time isn’t exactly cost effective. Using cheese to make cheese chips wasn’t exactly a great idea either. They were good but not good enough to excuse buying presliced cheese to make them with. especially since the farther along the diet I got the less I actually wanted snacks. Meals were just fine.

Finally vegetables. I did okay on vegetables. You need surprisingly little and frozen veggies are just fine. Though I ended up wasting several mini cucumbers somehow and haven’t been able to put the cheapest veggies, potatoes and carrots back into my diet just yet. Frozen asparagus is a good treat (and yes I’m fully aware how wrong it may seem to describe asparagus as a treat, but I’m seriously craving variety) and gives a couple servings, though brussel sprouts and broccoli are my main non salad veggies. those I did alright on.

But I just spent my last $35 on food that I hope will supplement what I still have for the next two weeks or so until I can get my food stamps. If not I give myself permission to eat whatever food is available, diet or not. I’ll try to budget better next time, but with the price of chicken and eggs so high, that’s really really, hard.

Posted in Food, Minor Irritation

Broken Diet

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

There had been tempting moments before and a failed moment before this one, but yesterday’s lapse was notably worse. The first was in the first piece of the diet and was a piece of mixed berry pie that was bland and sandy and not worth it and ended there. The second was a fig newton that I thought I could only eat half of and be okay but I could not only eat half. That was the day before last. The program that I go to provides breakfast and lunches I can no longer eat, and they’ve been having great treats lately; cheesecake, pumpkin pie, donuts, cupcakes, and finally when I reached my breaking point yesterday, red velvet cake. I had two slices and managed not to have more than that because I was full to the point of discomfort which doesn’t usually happen on my diet. When I got home, though, I followed it up with prune juice which is not allowed. and then had a double chocolate muffin.

The red velvet cake was okay. It was nice and soft and tasteless, though the cream cheese frosting was good. The chocolate muffin was bland and not worth it. I don’t even know why I ate it all. Carbs ust haven’t been tasting as good as they used to. It might be from that covid episode I had in november. It might just be because I’ve been drinking a lot of liquid with sweeteners in it and those are sweeter than regular sugar. I don’t know. But anyway there’s no real excuse for those two, but even if I hadn’t had them I’d have had to drink the prune juice. I hadn’t gone to the bathroom for over a week and I was broke and desperate. It worked thank god but juice is definitely a diet buster for low-carb diets.

I feel frustrated and depressed with myself. Partly because I ate the fig newton bar the day before which made it easier to cheat the next day. I made an excuse to myself saying if I’m going to break my diet I might as well do it with something better than a dry fig-freaking-newton. With the chocolate muffin it was ‘its already too late so I might as well’ sort of thing. They were all on top of the apple bowl, which I can’t have either but it’s much easier to resist apples than double chocolate muffins.

I was also nervous too. Yesterday was when I upped my workout from three miles to four miles on the exercycle and I wasn’t a hundred percent confident that I could it. I do it at four when dinner’s cooking or right before I make it so I get food immediately to replenish my energy and help repair muscles. I’ve been feeling sore and achey lately. I take multivitamins and now fiber tablets. I don’t know if it’s the exercising or trouble nutritionally with the food I”m eating. I’m basically eating protein, green veggies, and cheese.

n has me questioning both if I should and if I can keep on with atkins. Any other diet is way more triggering, though my screw up yesterday did trigger my ed last night. I purged a little but didn’t go the whole way. My urges to cheat have been completely emotional too, not physical at all. That’s also a weird thing that’s been going on. I haven’t been that hungry lately. I didn’t really want to eat breastfast this morning, but I did anyway. I made a three egg omlette with mushrooms and goat cheese and had a diet soda. Now I feel blah and sort of want something sweet and fatty. Though it’s not a physical craving and after having tasted them I don’t really want baked goods, just something super sweet like pure sugar.

I’ve been stressed because I have 60 left on my food stamps until february 9th. Breaking my diet stressed me out. I didn’t get to weigh myself on wednesday so I dont knwo if I lost anymore weight or not. I’m also stressed because now social security has messed up my check and I”m not getting my allotted $93 from social services, which means I can’t pay for college which means I can’t go until it’s fixed up. So I’m in a constant low key state of stress about things I can’t do anything about. The fact nothing tastes right doesn’t help. I’ll just have to figure out how to handle it and my diet at the same time, I’ll talk to my mom. She always makes me feel better.

Posted in Food

Processed Keto\Atkins Cookies and Snacks

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I bought some processed low carb snacks the other day, just to try them out. I got Keto protein chips, atkins chocolate chip cookies,both with high fiber and 3 grams net carbs. I also bought some keto cool whip and keto raspberry jam. to try and make my 3 ingredient raspberry cheesecake mousse (softened cream cheese, raspberry preserves, whipped cream) lower carb. Everything else looked too expensive for me. Not that these were cheap. I didn’t look too closely at the portion sizes of the protein chips or chocolate chip cookies. So I bought one serving of chips for $2 and 4 cookies for $7. The cool whip was $2.50 and the jam was only $2 each but that was somewhat reasonable for those, but the chips and cookies, no fucking way. When you’re on a budget every penny counts.

The approximately $2 cookies were not that great. They’re much better than protein bars but substandard as a cookie. The best way I can explain the taste of the cookie is that it’s life the cookie part of a fig newton in taste and texture. The chocolate chips were practicaly eating mildly sweetened cocoa powder. There’s barely any sweetness to it. There’s 7 grams of fiber per cookie making it helpful for that, but fiber supplements are cheaper. Though they have more carbs total for the same amount of fiber. I don’t want to waste my allowed carbs on fiber supplements, but I don’t want to waste my money buying four cookies for the same price as 30 days of the same amount of fiber in a supplement. (I got chewable supplements, they taste better than the cookies)

The chips tasted really good, though they had a texture more like light crackers than chips. But I don’t like spending $2 on one serving of any kind of snack. Cheese chips are easier to make and cost much less per serving. I made raspberry cream cheese mousse with keto whipped cream, which was next to no different than regular whipped cream, and keto raspberry jam. It turned out the same pretty much and the keto whipped cream still had the same amount of carbs as regular whipped cream for some god-forsaken reason so that was a needless substitution. I might get the raspberry jam again when I run out. It’s reasonably priced, and even if it’s a smaller jar I don’t use it for much.

I think I’m going to just look up keto cookie recipes instead and make those and keep making cheese chips and eating snacks naturally low in carbs like seaweed snacks, cheese cubes, and celery and dressing. I”m not going to even try those ridiculously priced snack bars. I’m not going to even try those ridiculously priced snack bars. I have a limited amount of money and everything is getting priced higher and higher already. It’s all I can do to make meals, especially with protein as the main base of my meals. I can’t afford to buy imitation food at high prices. It’s okay, though. I love cooking.

Posted in Physical Health

Portions

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

When it said in the original atkins book that you’d naturally eat smaller portions I was kind of skeptical. It’s not that I usually ate a lot at one time, but I tended to snack and wolf down my food even when I was full just so I didn’t waste food. Not to mention I rarely felt full or satisfied until my stomach was very very full. But it turned out it was true.

I started out having four egg omlettes for breakfast but then it was too much so I did three egg omlettes. Now two egg omlettes are enough to satisfy me for breakfast. I never thought all I’d need or want for breakfast was a small omlette and a diet coke. I especially never thought that I’d just naturally come to desire less while eating as much as I want of the food I could have.

I didn’t expect to like salads so much either. I can have a salad for lunch with some protein like chicken or ham or eggs. Today I’m having taco salad leftover from dinner last night. I made a plate that turned out to be too much for me by about half, but I didn’t force myself to finish it. I just saved it for lunch and there was definitely enough for that. Next time I’ll use a smaller plate.

I don’t even feel like eating snacks half the time, my small meals fill me up so much and I’m not even overeating either. I still feel a bit skeptical though. All diets start out great after all. How long will this last? When will I start craving carbs again on a regular basis? When will this stop being enough? I already get cravings when I’m stressed but that’s just a natural stress response. Besides skittle drink mixes are sweet enough to quell the urge and still be low carb.

I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop just like with every other diet. But since I’m not counting anything much and not restricting myself beyond carbs which I don’t miss (and plan to indulge on during birthdays and food holidays anyway diet be damned) I don’t really feel deprived, or too overwhelmed. Cooking is relatively easy and since I’m eating less the food lasts longer, so I’m hopeful. I don’t have to starve myself or obsess over numbers so it’s relatively stress-free and that’s good for both me and my history with eating disorder. But like I said every diet starts out well, lets see how long I can last on this.

Posted in Physical Health

Diet Progress

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I”m on my third week of Atkins and am up to 25 carbs allowed per day. It’s going good so far. I”m enjoying my omelets for breakfast and my favorite so far is mushroom veggie omelets with goat cheese crumbles. A close second is a Mexican omelet. A Mexican omelet is where you mix the eggs with chorizo and use Mexican cheese mix then top it with sour cream salsa and fresh cilantro if you like cilantro. You can vary what you do with those ingredients. If you don’t have or like chorizo, you can add taco spices to the eggs or the salsa or pico de gallo which is even better. They’re delicious either way.

I made fajitas yesterday and instead of tortillas, I wrapped them in lettuce. It was really good. Surprisingly I’m finding I don’t miss bread as much as I thought I would. They served cheesecake one day with lunch as my day program. I was disappointed that I couldn’t have it, but it wasn’t hard on me not getting a slice. I wasn’t stricken with cravings or desire or regret. That’s something new for me in a diet.

I have to admit that I do get carb cravings when I”m stressed and upset. It’s the only time I do but apparently, that’s natural for being stressed and upset. The fight or flight response makes you crave carbs as quick and easy energy. Fortunately, something sweet, even if it’s carb free helps calm the urge. And cheese, too, probably because of the lactose but it doesn’t take much, thank god. I used to go on binges when I was stressed and craving carbs.

Part of what’s helping with cravings, I know, is the L.Acidophilus supplement I’m taking. Apparently, poor gut health and excess yeast in your system cause carb cravings. L. Acidophilus rebalances your gut microbiome by killing the bad bacteria and yeast and helping the good bacteria flourish. It always made a huge difference to me before when I took it and is probably part of why the low-carb diet’s been so easy for me so far.

I tried out zoodles (zucchini noodles) the other day, and they weren’t that bad. They were a little watery but I probably just didn’t drain them well enough. They held up well, though and I used them to make Alfredo with shrimp and broccoli. The alfredo ended up being slightly watery but it was still pretty good. next time I”ll drain it better and maybe heat the zoodles on the skillet a little to dry them out before adding the alfredo and such.

So far my meal routine has been 2 egg omlettes for breakfast with diet coke for the caffeine. For lunch I have leftovers from the previous day with 0cal drink mixes, and dinner is something new with meat generally slow-roasted because I love slow-roasted meats and sugar-free jello for desserts. I got the skittles drink mixes and they’re fantastic. I also got some Bai strawberry lemonade to try because my friend Joe suggested them. Actually, he suggested the coconut one but they were out of them so I got strawberry lemonade. I haven’t tried them yet but even if I like them I probably won’t buy them much because they’re $2 a bottle.

It’ll be nice if I can continue losing @2 lb a week. If I can keep it up for a year I’ll lose a hundred pounds in a year. Of course, I’ll probably lose less than that because I’ll probably take birthdays and holidays off my diet and just do induction the next week to get back on track. But that’s what special occasions are for, and I really want to taste my stepmother’s Christmas cookies with rosemary again. Those were really good. Hopefully, it’ll work out. I may be on a diet but there’s no need to outright torture myself. Anyway, that’s how things are going so far. Wish me luck.

Posted in Goals

True North

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I was talking to my friend, Joe the other day about my having a potential date this weekend and he asked me if the guy helps me further my goals. I hadn’t really thought about it. For me, it’s enough that he doesn’t hold me back or try to sabotage me or make me feel bad about my failures. I realize that doesn’t say much about my past relationships but I like that he’s supportive and accepting even if we don’t have the same life goals.

Joe mentioned that the Spartans had this idea of True North where you head toward your goals without compromising. Because if you compromise once, you’ll compromise again and again and again. That’s true, but it sounds pretty unforgiving of mistakes in general. I suppose my True North right now is a bundle of things ; Dieting, writing, exercise, working and school. That’s a lot of Norths.

My current goals with excersize is to eventually be able to walk three or four miles down to the boys house. First I want to get up to five or six miles on the exercycle. Then I want to walk down to the grocery store and do my shopping in person instead of online. When the LA Fitness they’re building next to the grocery store opens, I”m going to join and start swimming in their pool and doing weight lifting. After that I want to walk down to the movie theater plaza. When I’m used to that I’ll walk down to the boys house so I can visit them. It’ll also open up the places I can get to for my dates. And that’s my set of exercise goals.

When it comes to dieting, I’m ashamed to say I’ve given in to the siren song of wanting to lose weight again. This time I’m doing Atkins, where you don’t count calories, you just count carbs. At least, you do with the original plan. The new one is a nightmare that makes you count everything. That would drive me back to my eating disorder so fast so I’m doing the old one. I”ve already lost @ 2lb a week so my first goal is to lose 8-10lbs each month and weigh myself every wednesday. I’m slowly adding carbs back into my diet but I still have to keep carbohydrate rich foods like sugar and flour and potatoes, but only until I reach my goal weight. I might make birthdays and holidays cheat days and just do induction again for the week after.

With work that’s kind of tied in with school. Right now I’m taking a break because I got a little overwhelmed with christmas and everything. I’m going to take every session over Christmas off from now on to reduce stress and continue with one class a session. It’ll take me about eight to ten years to get my degree but better late than never. Once I graduate I can see about getting a good job in the tangents of health care, but for now, while I’m losing weight and getting exercise I want to take a part time job to pay for school and the gym more easily as well as other things I’ll need.

As for writing, my goal is to get published. I’ll always write. Always no matter what, but getting published is hard. It’s even harder when you’re afraid to send your work out like I am. I get so nervous about rejection. I know I’ll never get anywhere if I don’t send my stuff out, but I get so anxious just thinking about it. And I have to format it, write a cover letter and a summary, print and mail it or email it sometimes. It’s a lot of things to have to do when you’re incredibly anxious and afraid. But I need to figure out a way to suck it up and send things out, or I’ll never be published.

I can see what he means about True North. It’s a lot of stuff to potentially be derailed by being with the wrong people, it’s easy too. Bad lovers in the past have held me back and helped cripple me by being abusive and making my mental illnesses worse. He knows my history so I suppose it’s reasonable that he’s concerned. The truth is at this point I don’t know how my boyfreind will be in regards to my goals or my acheiving them. I don’t know how much it’ll affect me trying to fit him into my life. I’m already thinking about how to work and stuff while going to the center to see him as much as I can. But I’m well past the point where I’m going to sacrifice things like these for a man again. If he objects to me making them a priority, then he’s not the one for me. This may be a little late in the game but it’s about my future and my children’s future.

Posted in Mental Health, Minor Irritation

Awake And Hating It

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

It’s 9pm and I am finally awake and alert unlike how I was all day today. It’s my own fault. I missed my meds this morning and one of them keeps me awake during the day very well. It may help keep me awake at night as well but at least I’m getting things done during the day like I’m supposed to. I ended up napping all day today and only woke up completely around eight. Granted I’m recovering from Covid but is it too much to ask that I sleep at night and am awake during the day? Is it?

I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything, especially my schoolwork. I got a lot of it done just now so I can focus on the paper but the dec 7 withdrawal deadline is looking pretty tempting. If I give up now, though, I don’t think I’ll ever get back to it. I have to make it through this post-COVID slump I’m in. I’m having trouble with my medication again. I always do when I’m sick and it’s hard to pick it back up afterward. Plus I’ve just started my period which means medication leaves my system faster, which makes it the worst time to be missing medication.

Now I’m awake with nothing to do but a paper that overwhelms me and a desperate desire to be sleeping again. I was having really interesting entertaining dreams today. I wish I could go back and finish them, you know. Part of me just doesn’t want to be awake ever, just dream my dreams, eat, do the bare minimum of what I have to and just spend every other moment sleeping.

It’s hard feeling bored and restless and frustrated and overwhelmed all at once. It makes me want to scream and throw things. Though that could be the medication lapse, too. I managed to eat oatmeal with chopsticks today, though. I’m not sure how, but I did it. obviously not soupy oatmeal, but still yay me. I’m probably abusing the electric kettle in eating oatmeal up here so much, but the mouse problem seems to be solved, possibly because of the snake under our oven. (yay snake).

I’ve also fallen behind with my bullet journal and schedule and morning pages thanks to being sick, but maybe I can pick them up again. though it involved doing it first thing in the morning and my mornings are now pretty much afternoons, which doesn’t work well for me at all. I’m still stuck trying to plan my day for being awake during the day. I have obligations during the day, too. I wish it wasn’t so difficult. I wanted to go for a walk today, too but now it’s night and that’s a bad idea. Maybe tomorrow. But probably not.

Posted in Major Irritation

Foggy Brain

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So as you know two weeks agoy roommate got COVID. I also got COVID apparently, though no one was willing to take me to get tested or bring me a stupid test so it’s only an educated guess that i actually had it at this point. But after two weeks I’ve been told to get my butt back to the program so I guess I’m cured. Unfortunately I’m still not doing quite so great.

see in the beginning I was miserable but full of energy. Now my symptoms are subsiding and I’m exhausted and my brain isn’t working quite right. It took me half an hour to do fifteen minutes worth of notes and I had to take a break instead of just doing an hour of notes at a time like usual. And my brain is all blah making the actual assignments hard to do. Last week’s were half assed I know it but at least they were in on time.

Yes I’m still going to college. I have to remember to send in my high school transcripts but I’m still taking a class. I only took one this semester which is good because this one is twice as hard as the others. I never would have made it when sick if I had two. I have. Two full chapters of notes each week and three assignments. I need rest in between studying and such so it takes twice as long to finish than with most people.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T2R8pTpcoo

But now my brain is in an uncomfortable fog. I can’t seem to write fiction at all and even thinking about school work exhausts me and makes my head hurt a little. I’m accidentally misspelling words I already know and taking longer to do everything. I hate it. It’s like I’m working at half speed and I’m not sure I have the time for that.

I hope this ends soon. I want my brain to work like it used to again. I want to do good work and write and keep things going. Maybe I just need a rest. Maybe if I just work extra hard today and tomorrow I can take Friday off. I dunno. Maybe doing little bits with frequent breaks is best. I’ll just have to do the best I can.

Posted in Major Irritation, Physical Health

COVID again

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

       So my roommate got diagnosed with COVID. She was taken to the hospital Monday and got back yesterday. She’s still sick. She has COVID pneumonia and has oxygen now. I got sick a day or so later. Well I had a sinus thing when she went but I thought it was was from the cold and dehydration. Now I have a head cold sneezing coughing body aches and sinus congestion.  It’s safe to assume I have COVID.

        Unfortunately I have to assume it’s COVID because my residential counselor has failed to bring me a test which they were going to do on Friday but haven’t yet. They won’t take me anywhere or pick me up in case I do have COVID. They just said if it gets bad call 911. I’d have to hope they keep me, too because if not and I test positive I’m stranded with no way home.  This is exhausting. And frustrating. I really hate the staff sometimes (the nebulous entity and it’s rules, not the individuals who are equally frustrated).

          I’ve managed to keep up with my school work so far but it won’t be fun. I considered asking for an extension on one of them but what do I do? Say I might need an extension because I might have COVID but am trapped with no way to test it? Like that won’t sound fake. I’ll have to download uber to my phone and hope I have enough to get me too and from urgent care tomorrow morning to get tested. I hate having to ask my parents for money. But I’ll need it to get there and back.

I hate the all or nothing, either your well or need to be in the hospital approach they take to this! Especially when they won’t do shit for you themselves. Do the masks work or not? If not why have them? If they do why can’t you take us to the goddamn doctors? Explain that Mosaic/Shepherd Pratt, or can’t you?  I hate residential housing sometimes. I really do.