Posted in Mental Health

I hate deep cleaning

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I started cleaning my ex’s house today. There’s only so much I can do because most of it’s clutter, but the floors are nasty. My feet get black just walking on them. They wear slippers but seem to think that means they don’t have to wash the floors

So today I did the bathroom. The toilet had to be cleaned. Instead of cleaning it he just threw bleach powder over it and it got all on the sides and the floor.around it. I don’t even know what he was trying to accomplish. The inside of the toilet was fine but the outside? I cleaned that with bleach spray and a scrubber and paper towels and a couple Clorox wipes on the top where it wasnt so bad

Then I had to remove the mats one of which is a scratchy outdoor welcome.mat that smells of cat pee and the other is a dirty plastic one with plastic bristles on it. There was nothing I could do for the cat pee one but I rinsed off the plastic one in the shower getting it as clean as I could.

Then came the scrubbing of the floors. Bleach spray, a metal scrubby and then wiping up the dirty soapy water with paper towels. It felt like it took forever and my legs got dirty my dress got dirty and my feet got dirty again. I cleaned off with wipes but I’ll have to take another shower tonight.

Tomorrow we’re going to a buffet so there won’t be time for cleaning but Tuesday we’re going to clean the kitchen floor and Wednesday we’ll clean up their bedroom floor. I don’t look forward to it but I am so sick of my feet getting all black when I walk around the apartment. They don’t get that dirty walking outside!

Okay rant over. Have a good day

Posted in Family

An Overwhelming Mess

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I go visit my two older boys for a week every month. I stay with them in their room at my ex’s place and one complaint they have is that I never wear slippers when walking around the house. I go barefoot at home and can’t get used to it. But it’s a valid complaint because they have not washed their floors since I can remember and walking on it makes the bottom of my feet black.

I’m going to break tomorrow and wash the floors get down on my hands and knees with a round metal scrubby thing all purpose spray and a microfiber towel and scrub the damn floor clean. I was going to do the kitchen today but I got a little overwhelmed after cleaning most of the fridge (the veggie drawers have to soak a bit.).

The kitchen has a little nook for a table but instead of the table there are bags and bags of clothes and piles of dirty clothes on top leaving a thin walkway by the counter. There is absolutely nothing I can do about this. I even had to move a bag just so I could get the fridge open to clean it.

The sink is full of dishes but there are no cabinets to put them or even a strainer to let them dry. They have to pile them on the counter. There are barely any dishes anyway and only one butter knife. They have a good set of frying pans that I bought them and some pots and pans and a strainer I bought them and a giant brownie pan I got them,kitchen utensils I got them and some pot holder and gloves that I got them.

The bathroom is even worse. The outside of the toilet hasn’t been cleaned in God knows how long the bath mats are a plastic outdoor mat with large plastic bristles and a shedding welcome mat that smells like cat pee. The floor is muddy all over.

Their bedroom is fine but the floor is not washed. I don’t know about his bedroom and the living room has a large air mattress half covered in clothes and surrounded by bags. The strip of tile showing is also dirty.

I feel overwhelmed by the mess and clutter every time I come here but they have no cleaning supplies and their mop is so dirty… I’d never had enough stuff to clean it properly before but now I do and right now I just don’t want to fucking do it. Probably because I’m tired. Probably because it’s overwhelming thinking about it and probably because I only have a week and have a hard enough time cleaning my own less cluttered house.

Posted in Relationships

He hasn’t run yet

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I started talking to someone on okcupid. A few people actually. But one I started talking to about food and now he knows that I have five children, have depression and anxiety and live in residential housing and is still talking to me. A few have fled already which is fine but always disappointing.

He has his own child a fifteen year old which is fine.  My oldest boys are fourteen and sixteen so we’re going through the same thing which is nice and neither of us want more.

I’m not sure what he wants in a relationship. He may not see me as relationship material and just want to fool around. I’m not sure how I feel about that. But I’m making assumptions, thinking he’d only want something physical after I tell him my biggest negatives. I dunno. We’ll probably talk a while before I agree to see him.

Maybe a double date with Bruce and Linda for our first meeting at Aurora or something. I can afford that once maybe. I don’t like the idea of having the guy pay for the dates if I can’t return the favor and I only can by cooking at home and definitely no inviting him to my home yet. I’m not the only one who lives there and I want Bruce and Linda to vet him first.

We’ll, we’ll see how it goes.

Posted in Mental Health

Dating while Mentally Disabled

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I have treatment resistant depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I have them to the point of being disabled and am on social security disability insurance. And I’m on Okcupid.

The problem is that I never know when to include this information or tell people about it. When it comes up in conversation is what I’ve done so far, such as questions about why I don’t have my children and what I do for a living (funnel government money into the private sector lol).

I always prepared for them to run and am never surprised if I don’t hear from them again but It’s depressing all the same. My friends say I’m better than anyone I could meet at my program but the truth is it’s hard to meet people who understand my situation and don’t judge me for it outside these circles.

And when should I mention it? When is too soon to tell them I live in residential housing, go to a day program, and am on disability? When is it too late? I wonder if I even have a right to be dating with all this mess, you know. But other people do.

And add to that the fact that I’m fat and have five children and you have someone essentially undatable. It feels unfair. And it’s not like I’m adverse to someone with similar problems so long as they’re not abusive which is a danger no matter who you date.

I wish there was a dating site for people with disabilities physical and mental where you can meet people in a similar situation to you. or something. I dunno. Maybe I’ll just give up.

Posted in Mental Health

Executive Dysfunction at Home

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I can’t seem to do my laundry. I mean I do it but I put it off until the last minute. I don’t wash until I’m out of underwear and often have two loads to do instead of one. I take it down and if the washer’s not available I forget about it for days. Or I forget about the washed load that day and have to get it the next day and hope it’s not musty. I put it in the dryer and proceed to forget about it until I run out of clothes and have another one to do and the process begins all over again.

The same with cleaning. I forget about dishes in the sink. I forget about sweeping the floor. I forget about cleaning the bathroom until reminded even with a chore chart I forget or get distracted or don’t notice any dirt. I’m in the attic and it’s so dusty up here I have to dust my bookcase frequently. Or at least I should. I never do. I don’t notice because the dust is applied so evenly.

And it’s not because it’s hard. It’s not because it takes a long time. I’ve gotten a lot better at not making a mess so the amount of time it takes to clean my room or bathroom or the kitchen is often less than an hour. Less than half an hour if I do it more often. Often just fifteen minutes. And yet I still can’t seem to get off my butt and do it. It’s frustrating. I have to give myself pep talks. remind myself I don’t have time.

I’m going to see my boys tomorrow for a week and I still have laundry in the dryer downstairs that I have to bring up and pack my bags and my meds and I’m here writing this post instead. I have time. I don’t go to bed until eight ah and I have to check my messages on ok cupid. I get so distracted by everything it’s frustrating. I know it’s an executive functioning issue but what the hell can I do about it? I don’t know. Everything I try doesn’t work. I guess I’ll just have to keep trying.

Posted in Random Thoughts

Unlimited Data My Butt

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I signed up for okcupid because I’m lonely and want to meet someone and I put the app on my phone. Big mistake. It ate up my high speed like no one’s business and now I can’t even play my music without it skipping. I JUST got my data renewed for this month too. It’s such a pain.

It’s supposed to be an unlimited Data plan but not enough data to run apps I guess. I suppose I shouldn’t complain since it’s SafeLink and I don’t have to pay for it, but it is awfully inconvenient. At least Stardew Valley doesn’t use any data to play. Oh well. At least I have Internet at home.

Posted in Mental Health

Daily prompt 6/7

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

If you had an unlimited budget for 24 hours, what would you do?

I’d pay off all my debts, buy ten million worth of stocks with dividends and a lot of government bonds, buy a house for me and one for my boys and their fathers and my daughter. I’d also prepay artists to draw book covers for all twenty seven of my books, and buy yearling subscriptions for my favorite services plus Xbox gold for each of my boys. I’d buy a hammock and hammock stand and a whole new wardrobe for everyone and give each of my friends and family five million dollars in cashiers checks.

Posted in Mental Health

Daily prompt 6/8

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

What’s the best way to build self-confidence?

To practice and get better at something you don’t feel confident about. Sometimes you have to share with others. I know they say you shouldn’t care what others think but it can tell you if you’re doing well or still need to improve. Especially with things designed for an audience.

Posted in Random Thoughts

Going Outdoors

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

It’s hard to go outside when there’s nothing outside. I used to have a hammock but it broke and they accidentally tossed my hammock stand 😦 so I can’t replace it without buying a hundred dollar hammock stand. So what do I do to find a reason to go outside and be comfortable. Get some sun but still maybe do next to nothing.

I’m thinking about buying a yoga mat, an inflatable pillow and a beach umbrella tent so I can go out and play my games without burning my face or shoulders. Get some fresh air, a little sun on my ridiculously pale legs, I dunno. I was going to buy this beach mat set with a small table and reclining backs but it went up from $44 to $69 which is over half my monthly disposable income. And it didn’t include an umbrella. The tent and mat combo is cheaper. I think. I dunno.

It’s hard to buy things when you only get 136 a month to use and I do need other things. I tend to spend all of it though and nickel and dime myself to death budget wise. Alot of it useless. I really want my hammock 😦 or a hammock chair or something more comfortable but I’m not good at saving. Maybe one day.

Posted in My Writing

Short chapters

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So apparently on Inkitt they want you to publish chapters of around 1500 words. My normal chapters are between 5-7 thousand though. Do their readers really have such a short attention span? How many pages is 1500 words anyway? Like three?

I’m starting to feel like my writing doesn’t fit anything. It’s first person present tense and only recently have I kept my chapters to five single space printed pages or so. Have I managed to write something that no one but me really wants to read?

I don’t know. I really don’t know the direction I should go in. Should I try to write like everyone else or just keep trying to find an agent or publisher or something. I dunno. I’ll just keep trying to find an audience no matter how long or short my chapters are.