As far as I’m concerned when it comes to optimism and pessimism there are three types of people. The first two are glass half full and glass half empty people. The last are the people who know it’s a false dichotomy. There can’t be a half empty glass without a half full one and there can’t be a half full glass that isn’t also half empty. That one’s me.
Though the truth is I tend to be on the pessimistic side even so. For the longest time for me the full half didn’t matter as much as the empty half. I could see the real situation but not feel it. I could always see my virtues and list them, but given the situations I was always in, it was clear to me that my virtues weren’t as influential to my life as my flaws.
I’m not going to say that wasnt true. Our flaws can absolutely be greater than our virtues just as much as our virtues are greater than our flaws. But what I didn’t see was that a lot of my situation was out of my hands. I kept trying to fix things that weren’t my fault and not in my control.
You can’t control what hurts you. Not without being taught extensively. There are some things you need to learn from other people and if you weren’t taught that, it’s not your fault. I don’t like the idea that you should just automatically know how not to be hurt by things because it takes all the responsibility away from the people who hurt you and puts it solely on yourself.
But I’m out of many bad situations now and learning and growing and I’m realizing that not only are my flaws no worse than anyone else’s, my virtues are just as good as well. Not only that but I can fix my flaws. Things can get better. It’s not hopeless, it just takes a long time to heal from thirty years or more of various abuse and trauma.
I’m starting to learn that optimism is important. Not the blind, glass is half full, denial of half of reality kind, but the focusing on the positive kind. This is because it takes no effort to be pessimistic. Our minds focus on the negative automatically because that’s what it took to survive.
Now though we’re so much safer in our daily lives that the alarm system we depended on before isn’t as helpful. It’s like a smoke alarm that goes off for everything from a hot shower to burnt toast. Mine especially. I was in emotional danger for so long it’s stuck that way. So much so that unless I keep my mind occupied or exhausted it reverts to constant anxiety.
It’s also filled with many more minor stressors. And less ability to process it. Before with fight or flight reponses it was usually accompanied with physical activity that let you not only process the stress hormones, but escape from the stressful situation. Not now though. I can’t escape boredom or crowds or the need to clean things. People can’t just run away from work or start punching coworkers. So we have to find ways to minimize the stress.
That’s where optimism comes in. When you can focus on the good things in life it gives you the focus and energy to deal with problems you can’t solve physically. Mindfulness is really helpful too but it relaxes you. Optimism changes distress to eustress.
Eustress is energy and excitement. Distress is energy and fear. But both have the same physical and chemical components. The only difference is your view of the situation. It’s the difference between people who hate rollercoasters and those who love them. (I’m in between I can only enjoy them with my eyes closed.)
Optimism is hard though and it’s not always appropriate. When in an abusive relationship optimism can be downright harmful and prolong a terrible situation with hope of change. Sometimes you need bad feelings like anger and sorrow in order to change things. I know if it wasn’t for my anger I never could have had the strength to leave my abusive exes as quickly as I did.
But now I’m out and normal life is too much for me to handle. I tend towards hopelessness and despair and stress and fear at the smallest things. I’ve been too primed for danger and now it won’t shut off. It exhausts me physically and mentally. I’m either anxious, depressed, or coping. Sometimes I can’t cope, sometimes it feels like all I’m doing is coping, not growing or healing. Coping sometimes feels like I’m slapping a bandaid over a wound that needs stitches.
I need to learn to see the good things in my life and appreciate them and acknowledge their importance and strength. Because I know the glass is half full, too and that’s just as important to know as the glass being half empty. I need to practice focusing on the silver linings and the good in me and others and my life and situation because I am safe now and I have to move forwards.
It’s hard. Especially with my chemical imbalances. My skill at optimism is a footpath in my brain at best but my depression and anxiety are paved highways at this point. So far medication and coping helps keep me off the highway, but it’s not building up the footpath which is just as important
I’m trying gratitude and affirmations, but it’s not working yet. It’s all stuff I believe and know intellectually, but it’s started making me uncomfortable doing it. Maybe that’s a sign that it’s starting to work. We’re resistant to change after all, so maybe I should be pushing into the resistance instead of backing off.
It’s hard and I don’t know if it’ll be effective. They all say it works but they never say how long and nobody told me how uncomfortable it would make me. I’m sometimes not sure I’m doing it right, or if it just won’t work for someone as broken as me. But it won’t hurt me, I know that much, and it gives me something to do besides ‘cope’ so I’ll keep trying.
I hope this has helped you in some way. Have a good day.
