Posted in Entertainment

Bad Music is not Fun

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about Instruments of Healing before. It’s a thing where people can play whatever instruments they want and listen to music or sing a song. The point is having fun, but I have to confess I don’t always enjoy it mostly because of bad music.

By bad music I mean bad performances. Some people cannot sing at all. Some people cannot play the instruments they’re playing at all. One person plays the drums like a toddler banging on pots, just making noise to make noise, no sense of rhythm. It’s good they’re having fun I guess but it makes me cringe.

Time tends to drag when music usually makes it fly by. It’s only ten forty four. Forty five minutes left before lunch. Forty five minutes left of bad performances. But there are a few who do alright. I’ll just play Stardew Valley on my phone until then and hope we have something good for lunch.

Posted in Food

Overeating

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I’m not doing great with eating these past few weeks. I’ve been munching in golden double stuffed oreos and cheese balls which are stale somehow, though I just got them . Today I had two full calorie root beers a full breakfast of eggs English muffin and sweet potato tater tots then two cupcakes, a PBJ sandwich and a milk with an ice pop for dessert then I went home and ate handfuls of stale cheese balls. I’m considering getting another root beer ( diet this time) and Oreos though I have been full since the first cupcake and am not the least hungry.

What the hell am I doing? I’ve stopped picking at my face mostly. Is this how my stress is coming out now? I don’t even particularly want to eat. I kind of want to take a nap. Probably because I’m so stuffed. I’ve played Stardew valley most of the day but it doesn’t help much.  I’m not sure what to do with myself and may even not have dinner or just have cookies and soda for dinner which is not a good thing. I just want to eat, that’s all. And eat and eat.

This is annoying.  I can at least hold out another hour or so until dinner though, right? I do need a drink but does it have to be soda? I dunno. I want something sweet. Which right now means cookies.  I could eat an apple but it’s not sweet enough for my cravings and I don’t think I could finish it. I don’t want to waste it, but then again what do you call eating food you don’t desire and don’t need besides wasting it?

What a first world problem. I’m eating too much. Stress eating, emotional eating, eating because I’m bored. Wasting money on this stuff. I shouldn’t be doing it. But thinking about it makes me tired and I crave food more because of the stress. Hopefully I can figure something out tomorrow.

Posted in Mental Health

Daily prompt 7/27

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

If you could rewrite any book’s ending, which one would you choose?

I’d remove the last chapter from most Jude Devereau books. They’re just slapped on to make the ending tidier when it doesn’t need to be.

Posted in Relationships

He Called!

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So Halal Monday Guy texted me yesterday close to five. Apparently there’s no Internet there and he had to find a coffee shop and use their wifi. I didn’t even consider no wifi. It goes to show how westernized I really am. We didn’t get to talk long, But he texted me which is the important thing.

That means he’s thinking about me and wants to talk to me, and did not just ghost me like a jerk, which I feel bad for assuming now. I’m very happy and much less stressed. I look forwards to September when he’ll be back.

Posted in Mental Health

Generalized Anxiety

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I get anxious all the time. If I’m bored or understimulated or overstimulated my default state is mild constant anxiety. I’m tense and over alert, and easily distracted. And that’s without cause for distress. If there is cause it gets worse. Like sitting next to a very smelly person (they have to be very very smelly people because I have a poor sense of smell.) or not hearing from someone and not knowing if there’s a problem with communication or I’m being ghosted.

I have a tension headache actually now and  my back and shoulders are super tense and even distracting myself by typing doesn’t help enough. We’re actually discussing chronic stress right now and it’s not engaging enough to distract me and calm my nerves.

It’s not even about thoughts. I know nothing’s wrong and I’m not thinking negative things I’m just feeling anxious like a smoke alarm that goes off for no reason. Constantly and not even changing the batteries helps. My stress system is broken.

People don’t like to think about people being broken. Especially in regards to mental health.  But that’s the truth. We have broken processes, thought wise or chemical wise and sometimes we just don’t know how to fix it.

My thoughts are better than they have been, but what’s left is a chemical thing. An overactive alarm system. Breathing doesn’t help, meditation makes it worse, it’s annoying. Sometimes walking helps taking the chemicals created by the stress response and using them. But not always and playing games helps sometimes but not always. It’s frustrating and I don’t know what to do about it.

Posted in Mental Health

Daily Prompt 7/21

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

What app eats up most of your screen time — and do you even feel bad about it?

Stardew Valley and I absolutely do not feel bad about it. It’s my main coping mechanism when I’m feeling anxious.

Posted in Mental Health

Feeling Foolish

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I hadn’t heard from Halal Monday Guy since he left. He said he’d text me on WhatsApp, but he hasn’t. I was going to wait a week then text him but I figured a hello wouldn’t be out of order, so I sent a hello today. Hello, hope you’re doing well and having fun. you know something simple.

Now the thing with What’s App is that you can see if it’s been seen or not. And it’s been seen but he hasn’t said anything back. It’s been four hours since I sent it. I’m not sure when it was seen. I’m not a hundred percent sure of the time difference or how busy he is or what he’s doing.

Does he even want to hear from me? I’m just someone he dated twice and talked to a bit. Have I been doing too much? Maybe he just doesn’t like me as much as I like him. I’m never sure what to do with a crush. I just don’t get them.

Am I bothering him and he’s just too nice to say anything? Am I being a nuisance? I don’t know. How do you act? How do you behave? How do you know he’s not that into you and it’s not just your own anxiety problem jumping to conclusions? I suppose I should just assume he isn’t if he’s not texting me now that he’s out of the country.

I just feel foolish. Whichever way it is I feel foolish like I should know things I don’t. I don’t know. I hate dating. If I don’t hear from him I’m just going to take a break from it all. For all that I dated two guys briefly, I’m going to take a break. I can’t help but feeling depressed, though.

Maybe I have that rejection sensitivity thing. It makes it harder to do things like this. And to send out my stuff to literary agents. I need so much time to recover after a few rejections in order to try again. I dunno. Maybe this is normal. I have no idea. I wish I knew.

Posted in Mental Health

Sharing a fridge

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I live in a group home. There are three of us. We each have our own room but there is only one fridge. There’s a chest freezer in the basement, but   it gets filled pretty quickly. Plus I hate going down the basement stairs. Up the basement stairs I’m fine but I always get nervous going down.

Anyway. I have a very thin bottom shelf about two egg cartons high and the veggie and fruit drawers on the bottom. It’s a decent amount of space but I have no room for milk or large gallon drinks of any kind. I got milk today and had to put it in the fridge door on the bottom.

I also have to limit the fresh stuff I get. And the frozen. I get half the freezer( on the fridge not the chest freezer) and that’s all full up. I want to have easy to make cool meals for when it’s hot out, but that takes up a lot of space, too. I kind of am restricted in regards to variety because I have so little space and I definitely can’t meal prep.

I miss having an entire fridge all to myself. That’s the only thing about the boy’s place that’s better than being at home. A single fridge for a single person/family.

I filled up one drawer with chicken leg quarters that I’m going to be cooking this weekend. The other has apples and oranges that I don’t eat fast enough so I need to refrigerate them so they don’t go bad as quickly, plus it has some Rana ravioli which I love to pieces. No other ravioli is as good even if this is a little more expensive. I get two meals out of each bag so it’s not that bad.

Of course I cook so I kind of took up half the cabinet space. There are plastic shelves down in the basement for other pantry items. Though honestly I’d like a cabinet with doors up in the dining room for our snacks. Maybe I’ll save up and get one I dunno. While I’m at it why not buy a mini fridge? Because that’s expensive when you only have $130 to work with each month, that’s why not.

Oh well, I’ll deal with it. It’s just annoying, that’s all.

Posted in Relationships

Bon Voyage

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I never got to see Halal Monday Guy (HMG) before he left the country to visit family. I was hoping I would, but I know there’s so much to do when prepping for a long vacation so I wasn’t too surprised. We still talked a little though and he’s going to message me on Whatsapp when he’s there and rested.

I mostly feel disappointed I didn’t get to give him the math and logic puzzle magazines, but I can do that when he comes back. He left yesterday and is resting today. I might hear from him tonight. I might not. I don’t know if he’ll actually contact me. We just started dating and he has friends and family to see. So I’ll leave him alone for a couple days.

It’s funny though,now my fourteen year old son is discussing soccer with his friends. And I learned Messi is a very famous player and is on Argentina’s team and Mbappe is called a dictator because he sued a restaurant for naming a sandwich after him. Of course now Whatsapp is suggesting soccer chats for me to join. It’s like no android! I’m not a soccer fan, I’m an HMG fan.

It’s been a few weeks since I seen him. I still get thrilled when I talk to him though the daydreams are fading. I still like him though and look forwards to seeing him again when he gets back. He probably won’t be working so very much when he does and it’ll be easier to sinc up.

Part of me thinks maybe he just doesn’t want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. And that he may not text me at all. I don’t know. I think I’m just going to wait and see. I’ll try not to text him first, let him just focus on family and friends. Though he did find a way we could chat long distance so he probably is still interested.

I dunno. Having a crush is hard. Especially when it’s switched to long distance. But that’ll only be temporary and I have plenty to occupy myself with or without him. I’m going to be cooking chicken leg quarters on Monday to trade for two pork chops from my friend Joy the popcorn woman. I was going to do it Sunday to trade on monday but I’d forgotten I had an appointment Monday.

Oh I’ll have to tell my friends Bruce and Linda about monday because I was going to bring some in for them, too. No biggie. But like I said. I have plenty to keep me occupied. I hope he has a great trip.