So I had cramps with my period for the first time ever. It was very confusing. I kept thinking I ate some bad meat or something, but after ten to fifteen minutes of nothing happening I’d realize that no, it’s just cramps. It was annoying. And I’ve also started being really angry at everything. I still am a few days after it’s ended, but I think I’m starting to notice a trend. I’ll actually have to start tracking my period to be sure.
I’ve read somewhere that during a woman’s period her hormones are the most like a mans than at any other time during her cycle. Apparently mine has started turning me into Bakugo Katsuke, or Kacchan if you prefer. Not that this is the platform where people would generally get the reference. The same thing happened after I gave birth to my daughter, though I was in west Philadelphia at the time and have no fighting skills so it ended in me getting a black eye and my glasses broken at the laundromat.
It’s an incredibly frustrating feeling. I’m so irritable and grumpy and annoyed by everything. Especially people talking to me and being timid around me. I find myself raging in my head like “Goddamn it stop acting like I’m some fucking monster. GRRRRAAAAAHHHRRRR” I got so fed up with a shitty dollar store can opener that I threw it across the kitchen while yelling and made a dent in the wall. Not a huge one, just an opened the door too hard kind of dent, not punched a hole in the drywall kind of thing.
Honestly, even then I was pretty restrained. When I get mad I just kind of freeze for the most part. I get grumpy but I still hold back and I never use my full strength or my full volume. Oh god but I want to, though. I want to just go somewhere where I know I won’t bother anybody and scream as long and loud as I possibly can while holding a tree branch and attacking a tree or big rock or something with it as hard as I possibly can.
I can’t of course scream here because if I did I’d probably give at least one of my roommates a heart attack, even if I warn them and freak out the neighbor three plots down. I mean I can get really friggin’ loud when I don’t even mean to be. How do people deal with this!!! Maybe if we just made a weekly scream session meeting. sent letters to everybody within hearing distance saying ‘hey, we’re doing this stress relief thing so if you happen to hear a couple women screaming at the top of their lungs around 8 on Thursday, don’t worry everything’s fine.
I’m so stressed out. I hate this pandemic so much. thoughts? Anybody want to make Thursday at 8 the official screaming time with me? I dunno. Maybe this is more a TikTok kind of thing. It’s times like this when I miss just being depressed. if any one reading this lives on a farm or some place with acres of land, please go and scream for me. Thanks.
My Gordian Knot 