Category: Random Thoughts

Posted in Random Thoughts

Sleepless Night

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I went to Lidl’s yesterday and, as always, got some microwave indian food, some other stuff, and my favorite dessert of all time, tiramisu. I ate the entire six-serving thing after meds, forgetting it’s made with espresso or cappuccino or some strong coffee with caffeine in it, and thus ended up not sleeping all night.

I feel fine, though I was half hoping I wouldn’t so I’d have an excuse to stay home today, but nope. But one unfortunate thing is that I forgot to charge my tablet and phone to a hundred percent before I left for the program today. I also forgot to charge my power bank. They ended up both dying on the ride home leaving me anxious and restless and not happy at all.

But after a minute I kind of relaxed and my mind started wandering from book to book a little. I survived the ride without too much distress but I’m glad to be home now with at least access to my laptop while my phone and tablet charge. I should be cleaning my room right now. I’ll try to when I’m done with this. It won’t take long, but it always feels like a lot to do even when it isn’t.

I need to sweep and mop the entire attic too, and clean my toilet and call mobility to both set up an appointment on Friday and get their fax number so I can send in my recertification form. I have to call two days in advance now because someone hacked their website and it crashed so I can’t make the reservations online anymore. They’re apparently really backed up.

We’re having an inspection soon, which is always a pain, but at least they finally fixed the air conditioner problem so my attic room is no longer the hottest room in the house. Though they had it set to 68 degrees so I had to increase it to 76 so it wouldn’t be cold.

I’m going to visit my children on Friday for a week. They’re not in school yet because their father wants them in county schools but they’re just inside the city line so they can’t go. He’s doing an appeal and keeping them out of school until then. It’s driving me nuts. I worry about truancy and absences and them not being able to catch up when they get back. It’s been almost three weeks already. That’s a lot of time to be out of school.

But on a brighter note. My son finally got all the parts to make his computer, and he made it, and it runs perfectly. He’s thrilled, and so am I. I think it’s so cool that he did that. One of the parts came broken but he got a new one from Amazon that came that same day and put in for a refund. They only refunded him $6 instead of $30 though, so who knows what that’s about. Oh well, we’ll figure it out.

I’ve started working on my fanfiction again. It’d been years since I last worked on it and there was one unfinished one that I really have to complete so I’m doing that now. I’m averaging a chapter a day again so I’m officially back in my writing phase. I got some more notebooks from Walmart for 35 cents each so I”m set for a little bit. Unfortunately my otherwise wonderful pens bleed through the paper so I have to write on only one side of the sheet meaning I”ll go through notebooks twice as fast as usual. which sucks. Ah well. I can always just get some more.

I have not been doing well on my diet. Too much snacking but I”ve managed not to gain weight so once I get the snacking under control. I”ll be able to start losing weight again without having to relose some. Not that I”m doing so well today as I”m currently munching on maple drizzled kettle corn (without a bit of real maple syrup/sugar in it). I’ll make up for it around dinner time, though.

I hope you have a good day and remember, Better not perfect.

Posted in Random Thoughts

Early Morning Riser

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

It’s 6:47 and I’m awake. Kind of. I’m still tired but I always wake with or before the sun regardless. I rarely sleep in. Of course I rarely stay up late too. I’m in bed around eight and usually asleep by nine or ten.

Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night for an hour or so. It’s annoying but it’s a good thing since my periods get heavy at times and even the best overnights don’t last overnight.

It’s hard to know what to do with myself though. I’m never quite awake and games are often burdensome. Reading too. I’m def not ready to get up and make breakfast yet. If I tried I’d just have a hodgepodge of easily assembled things for a meal. I don’t even know why I’m blogging right now.

On of the residential staff just called and told us to take our meds. We were packed for the morning today, probably because it’s Labor Day. Usually someone comes and monitors us sometime between seven and nine. Usually closer to seven.

I have to start thinking about breakfast. I want scrambled eggs but I don’t want to deal with the disaster the pan will be afterwards. I’m definitely going to get a new pan when I get my check.

I think for now I’ll just get up and have some yogurt and popcorn or something. Maybe some mangos and hope to wake up. Have a good morning and remember better not perfect.

Posted in Random Thoughts

H-mart

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I’m considering taking the day off again, since it’s a public holiday. And I did end up going on 7 Cups yesterday. I couldn’t really stay away. Plus I don’t have a trip to h-mart to fill out my day today. I’m not sure. I’m not entirely sure what to write about today. Maybe PTSD since it’s memorial day. I’m not sure.

Anyway. I had a good day yesterday. I ate before I went to the store and took my walk so I wouldn’t have to do it when I got home. I bought some eel sushi, almond crush pocky, shrimp and pork pot stickers, little red bean cakes, some lichee and a couple ramen bowls. One of them is pho which I love. I’ll have one for lunch today and pot stickers and red bean cakes for dinner. I love Asian food.

I’m proud of myself because I only ate one serving of pocky last night. I had the other this morning because why the hell not? Each serving was only a hundred thirty calories and only 5 grams of sugar. It also had three grams of protein and one gram of fiber too which was nice. Probably from the almonds. 

I have no idea how many calories the sushi was but I ate it anyways. Just eight pieces made a nice dinner. I had eaten a yogurt and two pieces of American cheese before hand so I wouldn’t get hungry at the store. There was so many cool stuff there. I could have spent hours looking but I didn’t want to spend too much.

They didn’t have any persimmons which was unfortunate but I guess it’s not the season for it. A lot of the fruit was so expensive though. The dragon fruit, while huge, was eight dollars. Probably because of tarrifs. Stupid tarrifs. If I was cooking more I’d have bought some veggies but they’d just go to waste, honestly.

Outside there were some people greeting everyone with some pretty religious tracks with a small thing of Clorox wipes tied to them with a bow. It was sweet and oddly enough is for a church up closer to me than to the H-mart. It’s Korean though so I don’t think I’d understand anything even if I could get there.

I think the last time I went to church was to an African church after my son Sean was born. I consider going but I believe things that are often in conflict with church teachings and I don’t want to be disappointed. My roommate is going to a church nearby. Maybe I’ll go with her and give it a try. It’s a small church and new so it’s nice and cozy. She likes it a lot. Maybe I’ll go. Maybe.

I hope you have a good day. If you have any comments, questions or criticisms, feel free to post them below. And remember, Better Not Perfect.

Posted in Random Thoughts

To Be or Not to Be Productive

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

Today is friday and I have the day off from my program thanks to an appointment. It’s turned a three day weekend into essentially a four day weekend which is bliss. I can do more at home than I could at the program and at the same time less, since it’s easy to fall into the trap of playing Stardew Valley all morning. I only just got off it to write this before my appointment.

It makes me think about real weekends though. I have things I can do all through the week, my Cursa lessons on pedagogy, my Italian lessons, my blog, and now 7Cups. I’ve gotten a little sick of self help books. There doesn’t seem to be enough on headway, I’ll probably give deepstash’s subscription a try, but not until next month. I really want to read Meditations by Marcus Arealius but I haven’t found it yet. But for the weekends do I really want to do the same thing all the time?

It’s not like I can do much else, but some things are very taxing. 7 cups for instance is satisfying but very emotionally draining. It’s hard not giving advice and not telling them the people who hurt them are assholes and not worth their time and energy. Studying self help books is mentally draining, I always end up with a light headache of course that could be allergies, too. Not to mention anything I do on my Tablet is frustrating because it keeps acting up. It freezes and acts like a ghost is trying to figure out touch screen.

I should take a break from all that right? And yet I don’t know what to do with myself. There’s the ever present urge to be productive in some way, that if I’m not using the time and energy provided from me by the taxpayers dollars in some sort of self improvement I’m just wasting their money. Granted I paid for this too. When I worked I paid for social security just like paying into insurance and I shouldn’t feel bad now that I have to collect on a claim. But still…

Shouldn’t I be able to take a day off though? Do I have to be productive every day? What would I do with myself. It’s not as if I have money to go out places or order in or something. I’m sick of movies and TV shows and I’m burnt out on fiction writing. I can only play Stardew valley so much. Being productive is all I have.

Anyway I have to go. It’s almost time for my appointment. If you have any comments, questions, criticisms or advice, feel free to post them below. Have a good day and remember, Better Not Perfect.

Posted in Random Thoughts

A Beautiful Sunday Morning

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

It’s Sunday and I woke up feeling wonderful. I don’t remember having any dreams which is good since my dreams lately have been fraught with conflict. I woke up to the dawn sky outside my window which faces my bed. It was beautiful with pinks and purples and blues behind the waving green trees. There’s a nice cool breeze blowing in and the temperature will be lovely today, in the mid seventies which is a huge improvement from the muggy rainy mid eighties of the last few days.

I did my journal with my new journal questions, the old ones were starting to get too depressing but these are more uplifting, encouraging and inspiring. I’ll probably do a post on them some day. I had strawberries and cream for breakfast with three scrambled eggs. I ran out of blueberries, and I took my walk inside which was a mistake but I’ll do it outside for lunch.

I was actually interrupted in my walk by my worker coming to give me my meds. That was actually a pleasant surprise though because my Sunday worker usually comes very late. I’m getting my blog posts done early and am looking forwards to doing my Italian lesson and new Cursa course on teaching. I finished my nutrition course the other day and now have a certificate that’ll look good on my resume.

My room is actually pretty clean now. I organized my end table the other day and yesterday I actually cleaned out the area between my bed and the wall. I keep my mattress on the floor so I don’t have an under the bed to worry about getting all messy and cluttered. I didn’t expect the sides of my bed to get messy. There was an entire bag of trash that I fished out as well as some clean clothes that had fallen into the cracks. It’s nice having a moderately clean room. I’ll have to clean it more.

I did some research on environment and mental health for my other post today and one thing is recommended was taking care of things that are in your control like your living spaces so I’m going to be working on that this week. I’ve been noticing the bright colors in my room more too, the bright clear blue of my water bottle, the red and yellow of my crayon box, and the bright green of the fructis garnier travel size shampoo bottle I found when cleaning up that I’ll be using today. Of course the light blue of my comforter and the cool grey of my body pillow are just plain relaxing, but I’m really enjoying my room today.

I hope you have as good a day as I am so far. And remember Better Not Perfect.

Posted in Random Thoughts

Freedom in Chains

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

Kind of a dramatic title but today’s prompt got me thinking about my situation. I often feel trapped as if there’s no way out or even as if I’m serving a prison sentence that won’t end until I’m in my fifties. Trapped by my body, trapped by my mind, and trapped by the very measures that are currently sustaining me and my children. It’s pretty depressing, but I’m trying to find a bright side in it and move forwards in some ways even if it’s hard.

My body is not the best. I weight 316 lbs and have hypertension, high cholesterol, a fatty liver and am prediabetic. The biggest problem is my weight. The world is not friendly to fat people. Clothes cost more, seats are too small, people think of you as having poor discipline and even being sinful because you ate too much of the wrong foods. People look down on you. Granted it’s not nearly as bad as it was in high school, but it’s hard not to be aware of.

My mind isn’t so great either. I have treatment resistant depression, which means my medications don’t work for very long before I need new ones, maybe six months though the current ones seem to be doing okay. I also have generalized anxiety disorder. Whenever I’m not depressed or don’t have enough to do I get severely anxious and distressed, especially if there’s anything I’m the least bit nervous about. 

I can’t work because the stress piles up and sends me into a downward spiral. I’ve only lasted up to six months at any job before crashing. Besides which at the moment I’m paying child support so I’d lose sixty five percent of my income to that, ten percent to taxes, and because I’m in residential I have to give half of whatever is left to them, meaning I’d only get 12.5c for every dollar I earn. Not to mention if I work or earn too much I lose my disability and more importantly my insurance. Plus I’d lose the hundred dollars I get from the state each month, meaning I’d end up with less money than I had before working, not to mention the cost of transportation, which might end up costing me money to work.

I can’t go to college because I defaulted on my student loans and my high school diploma is under my maiden name. I have no proof of name change because I forgot my wedding date and can’t get the wedding certificate and lost the divorce papers in one of my many moves. I can still learn, but nothing accredited, not that that will stop me, but jobs and such don’t count self study.

Sounds kind of depressing all put together like that. And it frequently gets me down when I think too much about it. So I try not to. But within this cage of circumstance and inadequacy I do have some freedom and security. I have enough food, I have clothing and shelter and medical care. I have a day program to give my days some structure and education and it’s where I met my friends and boyfriend. And above all I have time.

What I’m doing with my time is this. I’m studying various topics on Cursa, a free lesson and certificate app. I’m learning Italian partly for one of my books. I’m devouring self help and productivity books online like nobody’s business with Deepstash and Headway. I’m learning better morning and sleep habits with Fabulous. I’m walking ten minutes a day after every meal and eating healthier meals trying to keep them between 400-600 calories each, no snacking. I’m publishing my books on Amazon Kindle and writing a blog. I’m also playing Stardew Valley in my down time and writing in my journal. Not to mention I’m getting gastric sleeve surgery so I can lose weight and get electroconvulsive therapy which is supposed to be good for treatment resistant  depression.

All of these things will help me grow and mature and make my life better. I’m finding ways to prepare for when I’m free of my cages and that’s the freedom I have right now. If I look at it as forced opportunity to grow it doesn’t seem so bad. And I’m working to overcome what I can.

I hope I haven’t depressed you too much. If you have anything comments, questions, or criticisms, feel free to post them below. Have a good day and remember Better Not Perfect.

Posted in Physical Health, Random Thoughts

Refreshed and Relaxed

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I’ve been using this habit builder called Fabulous. It’s a pretty cool app except the coaching parts freeze my screen and don’t scroll down and I have to restart my whole friggin tablet after I use it. I’m hoping they’ll fix that. But it’s pretty useful otherwise. You’re not missing out on much if you skip the coaching.

I already did the morning habits where you drink a glass of water, eat a great breakfast(three eggs, an orange and a Greek yogurt), gratitude statements. and exercise (ten minutes after each meal) though they have tons of exercises you can do that they walk you through which is nice, including some stretches. Now I’m onto evening habits.

The evening habits involve turning off your devices and making your room. Quieter, darker and cooler so far. I think there’s more but I’m not there yet. I’m also putting on incense just before I turn the lights out and relaxing my eyes by journaling after I turn off my devices. I moved my lamp over to my end table where I can reach it so I don’t have to get up to turn it off. I even remembered to turn off the bathroom light and close the door.

I had such a good sleep. I still woke up at 1am because I forgot to turn my tablet off, and I’m used to waking up once in the middle of the night. But I was able to go back to sleep and slept until six thirty. It was the best night’s sleep I had in a while. I woke up feeling awake, alert and refreshed. It was wonderful. I’m definitely going to do it again tonight.

I accidentally signed up for the yearly subscription for fourty dollars taking a chunk out of my monthly budget ($130 😦 ) but I don’t really regret it. The more things I have writing down, tracking and reminding me to do things the more it cements into my mind. Plus there are tons of habit forming self improvement journeys I can do after this.

They have other apps that come free with the subscription but I haven’t used them yet. I tried using the micro-learning app but it froze my screen just like the daily coaching. 😦 which is too bad because I love micro-learning. I even have a special journal in which to take notes from it. I want to keep them to refer to so I use journal journals instead of just notebooks.

Anyways, if you have any comments, questions or criticisms, feel free to post them below. Have a good day and remember Better Not Perfect.

Posted in Diet, Food, Random Thoughts

Cheesecake for Breakfast

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I ordered two slices of cheesecake for my boys yesterday. I had to order some more pads because I was running out and had about ten dollars on a Walmart gift card. My son had gotten the gift card on one of those game playing apps and traded it to me for ten real dollars put into a savings account for him. So I had ten dollars and out of the ten the pads only cost about three (gotta love equate) so I got chili seasoning for tonight, a small journal for three dollars which ended up being the size of my phone only slightly wider, and two pieces of cheese cake for $1.99.

See my son hadn’t gotten his cheesecake for his birthday like he wanted . Cheesecake is his favorite, especially strawberry. So I thought it’d be a nice little treat and I could avoid temptation that way. But lo and behold when we went to the store after school to get Mac and cheese which I had forgotten, we were able to get a larger cheesecake with multiple flavors and my poor little slices were forgotten.

I probably should have said no but it was their stamps and it was was I would have gotten if I could have afforded it. We went to giant so the stuff we ended up getting was fifty dollars for one bag of groceries. MF inflation. We went the long way because Sean said the shortcut was closed.

We had a slight argument over whether to buy one reusable bag or two for the groceries. I wanted two be ause it’s be a heavy bag, (we got milk) and we were walking. But the boys, ever mindful of my finances, insisted we only get one and that they could handle it and they did. The drinks however went in my purse.

We walked home using the shortcut because apparently that little rascal Sean lied to me about it being closed because he wanted us to walk together longer. I was annoyed of course but glad not to have to go all the way around again. The drinks were heavy.

We had gotten donuts and since I’d only eating two lunchables the entire day I ate one rested a bit and went to make dinner. I did pretty good with dinner. I had a serving of Mac and cheese. A serving of potatoes and two servings of ham. Probably should have made broccoli too but eh, whatever. I did not have any more sweets last night, though with a heroic effort I only had a couple slices of mozzarella fresca with the juice and everything, my absolute favorite cheese in the entire world. Paired with fried chicken it’s my absolute downfall.

This morning though, this morning the kids went to school and I was both starving and  did not feel like cooking because I did not feel up to cleaning. I checked the fridge and lo and behold my little two slices of cheesecake right there in front of me with the rest of the mozzarella in the door, not much left of that because my son takes after me.

I should have just taken the cheese and cut up an orange, but I did not. I took the cheesecake and the mozzarella and had my breakfast. Yes I ate both slices. Yes I regret it because my tummy hurts. It’s been such a a long time since eating sweets made my tummy hurt, it just goes to show how well I’d been eating before hand. I feel full and uncomfortable. Again from just a couple oz of mozzarella and two tiny slices of cheesecake? Such a change.

I think it’s official my ex’s house is where plans go to die. I couldn’t get my walks in, I couldn’t keep myself from temptation and I totally failed my no soda edict. I feel slightly irritated but I’ll be glad to go home where I have things under control and plans for things going wrong.

I think I need to plan better for the next time I come here to visit my kids which I do for a week every month. Like getting an alternative easy snack like greek yogurt, the lite and fit strawberry cheesecake one because while it’s not as healthy as triple zero, it does taste much much better. Maybe I’ll figure out some stretches I can do in place of walking or something. Maybe I’ll just take a break from walking entirely and go back to it at home. I don’t know.

But at least I get other stuff done, my Italian lessons, the nutrition course I’m taking on Cursa, my posts, and tons and tons of deepstack books that I take notes on in my journal which is filling up fast thanks to that. Luckily I have one from my dad that I haven’t used yet. Anyways, I’ll figure something out, or I won’t. Either way right now Im going to lie down and rest my poor tummy.

If you have any questions, comments or criticisms feel free to post them below. Have a good day and remember Better Not Perfect.

Posted in Random Thoughts

Small Successes

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So yesterday was my eldest son’s fifteenth birthday. His father took us to Best Buffet down in Dundalk for dinner. I paid for myself (we’re not together) and I had a really good time. I drank diet coke, ate three reasonably filled plates and a couple small desserts. It took us a while to leave because my ex wanted to wait until he could point out to the waitress that he left her a tip before we went and he’d forgotten who she was. I ended up pointing her out to him and we left.

This morning was The Reckoning. I was still full from last night so I didn’t have breakfast. But the thing is, I had given up soda so I shouldn’t have had the diet coke and I definitely ate more than six hundred calories there. But oddly enough, aside from some stomach trouble, I felt fine. I wasn’t stressed or feeling guilty or anything, even though I broke my diet spectacularly.

It’s kind of a new feeling for me to be okay after doing something like that. But the truth is it was a one time thing. I can’t afford twenty five dollars for a buffet very often. I could only afford it now because my dad had given me some money to help celebrate with the boys and they decided they’d rather I come to the buffet with them than spend it on take out. And there’s not another birthday in the family (that I can go celebrate) until November which’ll probably be around the time I get my bariatric surgery. If I can get the surgery. So things’ll be easier by then.

A special occasion is a special occasion after all. And since I can apparently over do it without beating myself up over it, I have a lot more hope for my current diet and whatever diet they put me on if I’m accepted into the program required by insurance. I used to feel so guilty and upset about over eating that I’d developed bulemia and dieting used to be a trigger for me. I’d gotten better at fighting the urge to purge, but the feelings still remained.

And with each mistake I’d get frustrated and end up making more mistakes more and more frequently until I gave up all together. So being able to indulge on a special occasion without guilt is a win for me, even though it’s technically a fail.

Of course what I’ve learned from this is that once my stomach is the size of a frickin apple I will not be going to any more buffets. Not because I don’t think I can control myself but because twenty five dollars for a half cup worth of Chinese food is just not even close to worth it. I’ll encourage the boys to go to sky zone next year. Or I just won’t go with them and get them a treat like how I’m getting them two slices of cheesecake, since they didn’t get a birthday cake.

As always if you have any comments, questions, or criticisms. Please feel free to leave them below. Have a good day and remember, Better Not Perfect.

Posted in Random Thoughts

Saturday Morning

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

It’s been a nice morning so far.  It rained last night so the air is nice and fresh. It’s cloudy so it’s nice and cool too and the green looks even greener against the grey. Have you noticed that? There’s a light breeze too which made it perfect for my walk after breakfast this morning.

I had scrambled eggs, which were a little dry, and an orange for breakfast plus a coke as my last caffeinated beverage. It’s Lipton green tea for me from now on. I was going to have a yogurt too but I got full. It’s amazing how eating until your satisfied instead of when you’re full shrinks your stomach and reduces your appetite.

I did go on my walk after breakfast. I didn’t even wait to clean my dishes first so I wouldn’t chicken out. I left the door cracked open so I’d know whether my roommate accidentally locked me out. I live in fear of that, but not enough fear to detach my keys from my purse and take them with me. Knowing me I’d forget to put them back on.

I totally forgot to clean out the fridge which I was going to do afterwards but I can do that later. Maybe after lunch. There’s not much to clean out it I know there’s something in there that desperately needs to be gotten rid of. 

I got my last pre-tariff  package from Temu yesterday including a $5 bra I took a risk onl it fit perfectly! Even with the price increases I might buy more from them. Probably the exact same one. I’m tempted to do it with my thirty dollar check that I got yesterday but I promised myself to invest in acorns and keep twenty in my account for emergencies. Still that makes three bras I have, one of which is on its last legs and if I had more bras I’d probably throw it out. What to do. Ah well I survived with two I’ll survive with three.

Among my stuff I got a deck of cards, Soul Truth Self Awareness cards, daily questions that will transform your life. Well we’ll see about that. I picked a random one today. It says, “Burn with desire. There is power in your desires, let them be your fuel today. Your desires are your soul’s wings and it’s time to take flight. Today go inward ; your answer lies within. What do you desire? Choose what makes you happy and DO THAT!”

I honestly can’t say that I don’t already do that. I’m studying Italian on the Italian Linduo app, which I love. I’m reading the free book on Imprint and going to town on Deepstash even though I have to watch commercials. I play Stardew Valley when the mood strikes me. I’m taking a free nutrition course on Cursa. And I write in my blog hoping to reach out to people, make a connection and maybe help people with stuff that’s helped me. Maybe get some comments eventually.

Granted I have to do stuff I don’t particularly like either like cleaning and walking and dieting thanks to my complicated life. But I’m getting used to those and it does feel good to get it done, it especially feels good saving money on food and listening to music as I walk. Ten minutes is about three songs and a commercial, or as I found out one friggin set of commercials on the radio. Anyway I’m going to get to my Saturday stuff. I hope you have a good day.