Month: November 2021

Posted in Major Irritation, Minor Irritation, Relationships

An Ace Thing or a Woman sick of Men’s Shit Thing?

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I find it exhausting when I’m talking to someone and we’re both romantically interested and they start talking about sex. I don’t mean like a discussion, I mean saying sexual things as flirting like ‘i wont say what I’d rather eat’. It just sucks the life out of any interest I had in continuing the conversation. Like if someone you were having a nice conversation with someone and they suddenly said, “I like to lick sidewalks”. Huh. Okay. Bye.

I know that comparing sex to licking sidewalks is purely an Ace thing. As in like sex, I have no real desire to lick sidewalks don’t understand why people have to talk about it all the damn time, but if I had a very good reason to do it I could, and have. Its just a hell of a lot of trouble for no real payout and a chance to get it even more trouble later…… Hmm Maybe it should be more like comparing it to smoking weed. Granted when it comes to comparing smoking weed to having sex, I’m probably in the minority that would just rather not.

But I can’t be the only one who is just tired of that crap. I just want real conversations. I know someone is interested in me physically when they call me beautiful. They don’t have to imply they want to do things for me physically to understand it. Especially when I don’t even like it. And I told them I don’t like it. I want to just have fucking conversations. That’s it. That’s fucking it! It can’t be just an Ace thing. Surely there has to be a point where sex intrudes on the conversation so much that even the majority of women just don’t want to fucking deal.

I started talking to someone again who I hadn’t talked to in a while. He’s nice. He likes me. He appreciates me. But the second conversation the inuuendos we’re back and now I’m like ohhh that’s why I never called him back. I mean he tells me to call him when I’m down or if I need to talk, but the thought of having to deal with that shit in the middle of a conversation especially when I’m upset is just… No.

I don’t know. I hate men sometimes. I just… I just want someone to actually talk to and be intimate with emotionally, and physically just not sexually. At this point I kind of resent the very existence of sex. I wish we laid eggs instead. Or something like that. Though god could you imagine the size of those eggs? Fuck. Maybe not. At this point I’ll settle for a guy who just won’t talk about it and won’t try to do things ‘for me’ that I already said I don’t want him to do. Fuck.

I hate men.

Posted in Family, FRIENDS AND FAMILY FRIDAY, Mental Health

The Day After

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So yesterday was busy as hell. I made Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, Mac and cheese, ham, green bean casserole, and biscuits. I also played Roblox with my boys for 3 hours, separated into one hour sessions. I love my boys but I can only do so much Roblox before it starts to wear on me. Our worker made the Mac and cheese and seasoned the turkey yesterday so I didn’t have to worry about that so much but it was still pretty stressful.

First off she called and had my roommate put the turkey in at 7 am. Then told me that dinner would be at 4. Apparently my roommate requested dinner at four. The turkey was done close to one o’clock when I found this out. I told them not to eat lunch since they hadn’t yet and that we’d eat at two and finished up everything else. At least the turkey got a chance to rest, but I was not letting the Mac and cheese sit out all day and the turkey sit out for three hours after being done.

Afterwards I took out the pies, one to thaw, one to bake and played with the boys some more. Then I went down to put stuff away. My roommates put it away for me which was nice, but they just covered everything in tinfoil and stuck it in the fridge which was not. But the thought of taking everything out and redoing it then hearing Rosa apologize over and over until I either convinced her I wasn’t annoyed anymore or screamed at her to stop was just too exhausting so I saved that for today. But how hard is it to at least use plastic wrap instead of tinfoil? At the very least! Or shove it into those giant ziplock bags we have a ton of.

I kind of regret getting such big pies. I don’t know if we’re going to eat them all. I still have some pumpkin cheesecake mousse left over too. Easy recipe. 1 can pumpkin mixed with 8oz cream cheese(room temp), pumpkin pie spice to taste and fold in 1 container whipped cream til combined. Its awesome. You can replace the pumpkin with any kind of preserves and make flavored mouse. Strawberry cheesecake mousse is my favorite using strawberry preserves. Raspberry is good too. If you want just plain very mousse replace cream cheese with 4-6 oz of vanilla yogurt or berry flavored yogurt. Vanilla yogurt and cream cheese makes a nice cheesecake mousse especially eaten using graham crackers to scoop it up.

Well, i spent most of today playing with my boys too. Its surprisingly exhausting playing games online. It can be frustrating when they yell at each other and fight but it’s worth it hearing them work together and having a good time together. Plus they said I’m the best mommy because I always try to make them happy, which is just awww. I’m bad at discipline, I know it. I have no idea what to do with them besides love them to peices and try to help them be better people even if I don’t always know how.

I also did some work on the stockings I’m making for the boys, I planned out some of the pictures using graph paper. Doing small things is so much easier than one big thing even if it’s more complicated because each little thing that’s done is an accomplishment and a completed task and gives a sense of gratification. I can focus on completing the little tasks and not get bored while filling in spaces or doing something big gets tedious after a while and I need to take more breaks.

I’ve started keeping all the things I use in those large plastic Ziploc bags we have a ton of to keep bedbugs from getting in them. It helps keep them organized too so I may just keep doing that after we get rid of the bedbugs, should the exterminator ever freaking come. I dunno. This is so frustrating, but at least Thanksgiving is done with.

Posted in Family, Food, Major Irritation, Mental Health

Rebecca Vs Stress: Thanksgiving Edition

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I’m starting to hate Thanksgiving. Really hate Thanksgiving. I don’t get to spend it with friends and family. I can’t even see my kids this year because of bedbugs. And there’s going to be a whole lot of food that I won’t be able to eat before it goes bad and my roommates are not going to eat because they don’t eat leftovers. And the fridge is going to be full and I’m going to have to take care of it all and ggggrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

I hate this. Next year I’m not doing it. Next year we’ll do duck or Cornish game hens or a chicken because turkey isn’t even always that cheap anymore. Ham certainly isn’t. And we won’t make homemade Mac n cheese we’ll do Kraft. I’ll make great bean casserole because I love green bean casserole but we’ll have a nice dinner either pie for dessert and nothing will be left over for weeks.

There’s still no word about when they’re spraying for bed bugs and it’s driving me crazy. I hate this so badly you don’t even know. I am never sitting downstairs again after this. If I eat downstairs it’ll be leaning over the kitchen counter like an asshole because I do not want to bring bedbugs up here again. I don’t. I just don’t. I’m done. I hate this I’m done.

And I’m eating in my room again. Fuck mice. Mice are better than bedbugs. I can live with mice. And I’m not washing and drying my damn sheets every night like Dorothy suggests. I cannot handle doing that’s I just can’t. Its not going to happen. Especially not when there’s three of us to do it. No. Just no! Just get us the damn exterminator. Get us an exterminator. An exterminator okay? An exterminator!

I’m half tempted to ask my parents for money to buy a bug bomb for my room and get rid of as many as I can before they get here. Or even just get a gigantic bed bug cover for my mattresses and two bug bombs and place one in each, zip it up and let er rip. Just soak that mattress in chemicals so wet if one even sets foot within breathing distance it’ll die. I’ll go to bed wearing a gas mask and laytex gimp suit for protection I don’t care!

And people asking me do you still have bed bugs right after I complain about no exterminators coming make me want to punch people. Are you even listening? Yes I still have bed bugs. Yes it’s still bad. How can it improve with no treatment what so ever? How?! Tell me that! Aaaaaaahhhhhhgggggggggghhhhhhh!

If this isn’t resolved by Xmas and they want us to do a fancy Xmas dinner I swear to God I will scream and throw things. No. No fancy dinner. No leftovers for me to deal with no mess for me to clean no nothing. If they want something special they can order chinese. That’s it, that’s all I have to say. I hate Thanksgiving!

Posted in Entertainment, Minor Irritation, My Writing, Random Thoughts

Not So Romantic

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I wanted to watch a movie and went online and saw something called The Accidental Bride with Uma Thurman and Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Colin Firth. It looked interesting and I haven’t really seen Jeffrey Dean Morgan in anything but Supernatural, so I thought I’d give it a try. Well, I couldn’t finish it. I thought it was horrible. Not the acting but the plot.

First if all it wasn’t an accident, the male lead sabotaged her wedding by changing the state registry info to make it so he and she are married. Why? Because his girlfriend of 5 months who he was getting married to broke up with him after talking to the female lead, a relationship talk show host. Who very clearly did. It say break up with him, but said you know deep down what you have to do. Granted she had made some good points about the girl rushing it to not be alone, but she didn’t make the decision for her.

I got to where Uma gets drunk and wakes up in JDM’s apartment (nothing happened but he made it sound like it did with a thanks for last night note on the door and I couldn’t watch any more. It turns out manipulation, revenge and emotional abuse isn’t romantic or funny to me anymore after being in an abusive relationship myself. Uma did nothing wrong and the thought of watching her fall in love with this selfish creep tormenting her for his own failed relationship was just too much.

Being in abusive relationships has ruined romantic movies for me. The lies, manipulation, insults, and purposeful harm people do to each other make me too angry. Much less people’s reactions to it. I didn’t want to see Colin be angry with Uma over being manipulated into getting drunk in a stressful situation, or supposed infidelity she was too drunk to remember if it happened or not. I didn’t want to see her find good in JDM and loveable qualities because this man attempted to destroy her and I certainly didn’t want to see him end up happily ever after with her.S

If it ended with JDM in jail and her comforted and protected by an understanding loving Colin getting married to him at the end maybe it would be something refreshing. But I know better than that. That would be the end of a suspense thriller or something not a romantic comedy. We’re supposed to dislike her and think it’s okay what he did to her because of that when it’s not.

So much of romance in movies seems to be terrible behavior framed as love. This wasn’t even that at the start. This was more like Overboard with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn which I loved at the time, but absolutely hate the thought of now. You don’t get in a relationship with someone capable of things like that, you just don’t.

One thing I liked about Supernatural was that in this one episode where a shifter pretended to be a family dog and fell in love with the mother then decided not to betray them and rescued them in the end was that he did not get the girl. He was rejected because yeah, that’s messed up. I felt bad for him, but in truth that’s how it should be. You don’t come back from things like that. You shouldn’t.

Love doesn’t make it okay to do terrible things to prove and it doesn’t erase that they’re capable of doing those terrible things. It especially does undo the fact that they did it to you. My Mother’s Boyfriend was a good one because it turned out the boyfreind was a good guy who had to keep secrets for his real job and it was more a comedy of misunderstandings than abuse made romantic. The son in that one was the slightly fucked up one in what he did but you understood his position and loving and forgiving your children is different from a romantic interest.

I don’t know. My abusive relationships are what made me realize how screwed up the twilight series is. Its a perfectly written book trilogy about two horrible people falling in love with each other. The terrible thing is that they’re portrayed as romantic ideals. I think when Bella compared them to Katherine and heath life in withering heights it was more accurate than she intended. If only the author was more self aware of that it could have been great, but instead it teaches people horrible lessons about love.

I won’t get into that though. I could go on forever about the twilight books, and I don’t feel like it. Its exhausting, though, it drove me crazy because people kept hating it for the wrong reasons which is as infuriating as liking it for the wrong reasons. I will say this it made me think about what I wanted to say with my writing alot more than anything else ever did. But anyways, bad romance. I can’t enjoy it any more. In truth I identify with most mainstream romance the way Ellen did with Bill Pullman in Mr. Wrong. (Which I thought was brilliant, by the way.) But I guess that’s how it goes, you know. Once you see something that’s wrong, you can’t unsee it.

Like how in Ranma 1/2 its harder to enjoy because of the way Ranma is treated. I can’t see boys being sexually harassed or assaulted and find it funny anymore. I never should have in the first place but everyone is suceptible to socialization, you know. But that leaves me with trying to figure out something to watch and a need to do something to change that with my writing. Or at least in it, which I already have partly. But it is what it is, I guess. Being able to see it now isn’t such a bad thing.

Posted in Mental Health

Rebecca Vs Anxiety Round 1 :Bedbugs

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

       Bed bugs are stressful enough as it is. One gets in and a few months later you’re scratching the skin off your feet and other places they love to bite. Not all at once though, no, a single bite at first like a mosquito and not every day but gradually more and more more often until there’s no denying it.  I hate Bedbugs!

The residential program I live in in plagued with them. See workers go from house to house, clients pile on vans,  go to the same center, it’s like a transit system for Bedbugs. Cleanliness doesn’t matter. There’s nothing you can do except spray and spray and spray and that takes weeks.

        Every time we have them, we have to pack up our belongings put them in bags, wash and dry every price of clothing/linen in the house and keep those in bags take stuff off the walls etc. And the thing is, it takes three weeks to spray, at least. And stuff has to stay bagged the entire time.

      Some people can find some place else to stay during this time but not us. We’re stuck here. And everything is bagged and has to be bagged and stay bagged and living out of bags for weeks when you’re stuck at home is ‘STRESSFUL. Super SUPER STRESSFUL!

        In this place the Bedbugs hadn’t reached my room (in the attic) before so I was spared the ordeal almost every other time lately, but not this time. I get to come home from taking care of and quarantining with my son to get eaten alive two nights in a row and now everything I own is in bags again.

        I was stressed and anxious and depressed and worn out from being at my ex’s for three weeks already. That whole thing was an ordeal in and of itself. Now I’m waiting to find out when they’re coming to do the first round of spraying. It’s been over. Week since they came to check the place over and that’s one extra week living out of bags. I’m going to loose my mind.

        They don’t understand how hard and stressful it is living like this. The least they could do is tell us when the damn people are coming but no… Let me add thr anxiety if waiting to that room because we need to know. Even if we had ample time to get everything together, we still have to sleep, wear clothes and just generally LIVE in this house before they show up to spray.

        That means dirty bedsheets, dirty clothes and signs of having lived in the place because we are living in it. All of which will have to be packed up and cleaned the morning or evening before the exterminator arrives.  Have you tried living out of bags for weeks? Its stressful. And I just did it while taking care of my children at my ex’s house. Granted this one’s. Cleaner and less cluttered.

I’m not judging him for that.  He’s busy and I get that way too, at my worst, but that kind of environment is bad for my mental health is what I’m saying. But barren and hard to access isn’t exactly much better either. All the things in have to do are packed up and if I take them out I have to put them away again,too, before the exterminator comes. Who knows when that will be. Not my housing program who’s supposed to have made the damn appointment. Its just so frustrating.

I know they’re overworked and stressed out, too. I know there’s not enough people there, but that doesn’t make this any less frustrating and annoying for me to have to go through. I’m going to try and organize things. Maybe I’ll find something that’ll help.make this easier, I don’t know. But I can try.

Posted in Mental Health, psychology, Random Thoughts

Mental Wound

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

          I’ve read that people who are depressed actually have a more realistic view of themselves and their circumstances than other people do. Im not sure if that means that they view themselves more accurately than they view other people or that other people don’t view themselves accurately, but either way it implies there’s not actually anything wrong with their worldview. It implies that they are the ones seeing things the most clearly. This is a very depressing thought.

          If I’m accurately judging my self and my situation and the world around me and I’m suffering crippling depression doesn’t that mean that, yes, it really is that bad? If it really is that bad and I’m right in feeling the way I do, then the main problem is not how I feel but in whatever fundamental problem I’m upset about in the first place.  Well, problems, it’s never just one thing. I am very well aware of the way the world works and that I do not fit in it properly and it’s not just one thing, one way.

          In that case it feels completely unfair to call depression a mental illness. Because if your mind and perception is working perfectly possibly better than most then how can it be called I’ll? If someone stabs you with a knife and you bleed that’s not an illness or malfunction is it? No. It’s a wound. So if depression is the result of real problems, then it’s not an illness. Its a wound. I’m not ill, I’m wounded.  If you keep bleeding because you keep getting stabbed nobody starts to wonder what’s wrong with your body that you’re bleeding for so long.

          I know people talk about things like how mental illness is physical and hormones and such, but nobody ever seems to address that aspect of mental illness. That maybe this horrible experience isn’t the result of the body malfunctioning but of the functioning body being acted upon in a damaging way. PTSD is largely when traits that allowed you to function/survive in one extreme situation are maladaptive in your current situation. That’s not an illness anymore than burns being sensitive to heat is an illness.

That might not make sense, let me explain. When you burn yourself, say part of your hand touches the oven rack while taking something out, your hand gets damaged. This damaged portion of skin reacts differently to temperatures than the rest of your skin until it’s healed. Even when it doesn’t hurt all the time, if you open the oven door and the heat hits it, it hurts. If you run water that’s too warm over it, it hurts, even if it feels comfortable over the rest of the skin. This is not an illness. This is an injury.

         PTSD is like being burned. Your body does things to protect the burned area and make sure it heals and doesn’t get burned again, like blistering and being extra sensitive to heat. Your mind does things to protect itself and to keep the rest of you alive. It is protecting itself from harmful stimuli with an exaggerated response to similar stimuli. Like hurting when exposed to normally tolerable degrees of heat that uninjured skin doesn’t react to.

Its a wound, not an illness. It doesn’t need to be cured it needs to heal. I know it sounds like semantics but semantics matter sometimes. For an illness you take medication, for an injury you have to take care of yourself. If you have a broken leg you don’t pop an aspirin and force yourself to go around as usual, it’ll never heal that way or heal wrong. You treat injuries differently than Illnesses. What’s more you think about injuries differently. You have to because they are different.

I think we need to start making distinctions between mental problems due to malfunction of the body and mental problems created by outside stimulus injuring our well being like emotional abuse. We need to distinguish between mental illnesses and mental wounds. They’re different and need to be treated differently, talked about differently, thought about differently. I think it matters.

Posted in Minor Irritation

I Don’t Want To Be Your Friend

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

               Dear roommates,

              I don’t want to be your friend. I’m not saying I hate you (though I kind of do at least one of you at this point) but there’s no other  friendlier way to say it.  I do not want to pretend to be friends. I do not want to hang out. We have nothing to talk about and I hate talking about nothing so I do not want to ‘just talk’ to you.  I don’t want to tell everyone everything I’m doing when I’m in the kitchen. I don’t want to be interrupted with everything I’m doing for no goddamn reason. And I don’t want to have to keep saying no I want to eat my own food all by myself that I cook myself and pay for myself and not share it with you.

             I want to be able to enter and leave my room without greeting you or saying goodbye to you all the goddamn time.  I would like to move around the house without it being considered a fucking social event. I want to be pleasantly ignored and not talked to without a purpose or stared at. I don’t want to just say hi. I don’t want to talk about nothing. I just want to exist in this house without hassle. Is that okay?

             I just want to be left alone. That’s all. Just leave me alone. I’m not your friend. Its like if you had to go to class and instead of being allowed to just go to your seat and get settled you were forced to stand at the front of the class and introduce yourself to every fucking day.  Stop making me talk to you! I don’t want to talk to you. I especially don’t want to talk to you two because one of you both mumbles quietly and is a mushmouth when speaking and I have auditory processing issues and the other one of you is a ball of anxiety wound so tightly that your very presence makes me feel unbearably anxious and uncomfortable and I dread our every interaction. 

              I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to interact unless necessary, it is painful and exhausting to me. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. Don’t talk to me unless you absolutely have to and just let me be in my room in peace. Please. I especially hate being called over in the middle of doing something for you to tell me something that could easily have been called to me in the first place.  If you want to talk to me so badly it can’t wait you come to me. Or better yet just please don’t fucking talk to me. I’m a cat, not a dog. 

               I wish to god there was any polite way to convey any of this, but it’s just not possible. Trying to be polite but not encouraging doesn’t work, and it just drives me crazy sometimes.  so I have to write something like this that I know you’ll never see because I don’t want to be mean but it’s driving me crazy! God though why is it so hard to just not talk to me?!!!!!!

Posted in Behavior, Finances, Mental Health

Woke? Lazy? Crazy? Broke?

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

               Its taken an absurd amount of time to decide what order to put those words in. I’m still not sure they’re in the right order but I can’t figure out what the best one is. Lazy crazy broke woke?. Woke broke lazy crazy? lazy crazy woke or broke?  Broke crazy lazy woke? Definitely not crazy woke broke lazy. I know that much but lazy broke crazy woke? Maybe? Aggghhh who the hell knows? Its probably not even a matter of ‘or’ either.

              Of course none of that indicates that this is me thinking about getting a job or not. I’m definitely broke. That’s not going to change, even if I get a job. I’ll get to keep maybe 10% of my income after taxes, child support and paying my residential program. So maybe 2 an hour net pay. I have conflicted feelings about whether or not I want to do that. It just doesn’t seem worth it., Really.

             But I feel like by not working, I’m just being lazy. Everyone has to work or their worthless. Not my feelings of course but the inescapable opinion of everyone with any money in capitalism. If you’re poor and don’t work, you’re worthless and immoral. Granted I am crippled by disability, but it’s an invisible emotional disability that cripples me by draining me if the will to exist or move or act on anything so it doesn’t count and I just need to think positive and am being lazy and stubborn and willful about it. (I don’t think that of literally anyone else but find it hard not to believe of myself somehow)

               So that takes care of the lazy and crazy part. as well as the broke, but why is woke in. The mix? Because everyone’s on fucking strike. Every job sucks. Every employer is a hellbound slave-driver willing to sacrifice the lives of their employees for profit and it’s really really obvious now. I probably could get hired very easily Right now if I applied somewhere for unskilled labor, but that’s because everyone’s dying off in or quitting those industries because nonhuman should work under those conditions much less for that pay. I agree with this so if I did go get a job I’d be a scab. plus I’d be treated horribly in a job that could kill me and more likely, my elderly diabetic roommates, with covid or something. So the thought that I’d get a job is practically heretical given the circumstances

            So really I’m kind of stuck in a no win position. I’m selfish for not working. I’d be selfish for working. I’d be stupid for working. I’d be  immoral both for working and not working. I’m lazy for not working, and am probably lazy in general because I can’t seem to do shit. My nonphysical disability makes me crazy, technically, but I’d have to be crazy to voluntarily work under these conditions unless I have to so I’m crazy no matter what. I feel like I’m trapped in a maze of judgement And poverty with no way out. Granted I’m privileged in that I have a stable home with food and clothing and sanitation, but I’m considered as worthless as one who doesn’t. That’s exhausting to think about. I’m going to go lie down.

Posted in Entertainment, Goals, Mental Health, Uncategorized

Autodidact

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I got my textbooks in the mail yesterday. No, I’m not in college, I just get bored and decided to get old used textbooks on subjects that Interest me and study them like I was. I got nutrition, Spanish and creative writing textbooks. I thought I was getting a psychology textbook but it was just a book written by one author and I’m not sure I’ll be able to get through it. Maybe I’ll bring it around with me in my purse just in case I get super bored.

The Spanish book is kind of immersion, so that’s a little terrifying. Though most of the Spanish in the first chapter that I saw so far I understood. I have taken Spanish before but I never used it so not enough stuck. I’m better at reading than hearing honestly. But I have enough trouble understanding English words given my auditory processing difficulties (ADHD related). Trying to figure out another language is even worse sometimes. I’ll still do it, but it won’t be my first choice.

I started the nutrition one first. I’m very interested in it and also my boys are as well. Their father gets his nutrition information from online so he believed things like bananas and eggs will kill you. And that drinking cold water will give you a cold. Personally I only like cold water and I rarely get sick. I run hot though and need to cool off alot. Granted I’m 320 lbs and half biological insulation so that’s not going to change. I’m not looking forwards to menopause that’s for sure.

Yes I’m back up to 320. I’m lucky I didn’t go up further. Of course my weight loss wasn’t due to starving or dieting. I was just not as hungry and. It eating as much when I wasn’t hungry. During the last year or so of covid I absolutely was eating when not hungry and doing even less moving around. I feel like for all the lack of movement I’ve been doing I could have easily done that nada study where you don’t get out of bed for months and been thousands of dollars richer and not just out of shape and even more overweight.

I’m not studying nutrition to go on a diet though or make my own diet. I really just find it Interesting and hope to use it to keep my boys from falling victim to pop science and fad diets like I did and thus keep them from sabotaging their own weight and health like me. Boys are under almost as much pressure as girls to look a certain way and I don’t want them to go through what I did when there’s really nothing wrong with them. Not that there was anything wrong with me. Or is honestly. Being fat can be inconveniencing though. Aka being hot all the damn time. Its nice in the winter though.

I’ve been writing all my life, tons of books and novels. I never got published but I never really sent things out much after high school. I was never good at short stories. Well, I was okay at them just not at keeping them short. Im not that great with rejection either. Its extra discouraging for me and I get depressed. I dunno. Maybe I’ll get better at it and maybe the creative writing text book will help me with other shorter forms of writing that can get published a little easier. At the very least it can’t hurt, right?

The Spanish I’m doing because my son is taking Spanish and I thought it’d be nice to learn it with him and help him with his homework and stuff. His younger brother might take Spanish, too so you know, it might come in handy. I doubt I’ll ever really be fluent if I only for the auditory processing issues I mentioned. Still though even if it’s only writing and reading that I’m proficient in that’s still something to expand my mind.

I’ve started with my established studying routine for nutrition. First I write down the vocabulary. Then I make an outline of the chapter as I read it, then I make notes of the little side bits they put in the margins, then I write the summaries and then I do the questions and quizzes in the book. That was always enough to get me through the classes with good grades for the most part. I’ll probably add a part for my own thoughts and observations and questions, too. I’m not sure

Its harder than I remember, alot more tiring, too. But I am older and apparently learning is more difficult when you’re older. Plus I haven’t studied much of anything in an organized fashion in a while. I know it won’t actually count for anything academically, but I’ve given up on being able to go back to college for official training in anything. Still, the important thing is that I make use of what I’m learning and I should be able to do that with each of these subjects. Maybe when I’m done I can get more. They were less than five dollars each.

The cool thing is that I won’t have a time limit either. And I’ll actually be able to go over the whole book in the recommended order, something that never happens in college. At least not that I experienced so far. I miss college. Hopefully this will help me feel like I’m spending my time in a little more worthwhile way. Learning is fun anyways tbh.

Posted in Behavior, Creativity, Mental Health, Random Thoughts

A Hard Question

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

       So I’ve been having more and more energy back lately. I’ve been eating less sweets, cooking more actual food and taking probiotics which helps alot. The problem with this is that it leaves me with more energy than things to do with it. That’s not to say that I don’t have things to do, but it’s hard to decide what to do. Its elven harder to decide to do what I need to do.

      I’ve generally accepted that along with depression and anxiety, I have some pretty serious executive dysfunction. Just thinking about tasks make me feel heavy and pinned down and restless at the same time. That’s said, there’s not often much that needs to be done. Scheduling never works great for me so I decided to try something different this time. Instead of making a Todo list exactly, I ask myself what do I want out of today, and answer that and then try to do it.

    But it’s getting harder and harder to answer. Increasingly I don’t know what I want out of the day except not to be bored and make it through the day without going crazy. There isn’t anything I want or need to do most of the time. What then? How do I organize my time then? How do I think of things to do?

     I saw a TED talk on someone who randomized their life by making algorithms to randomly chose what they would do eat or even live. My first thought was, well that’s great, but what about someone who’s fucking poor and disabled and can’t go anywhere or spend any money? The second thought was, could I do that with all the stuff I have to do at home? Get a random generator and fill it up with options and then just randomly choose? Probably. I already downloaded the random list generator.

    I guess it’d be interesting to try. Maybe to just force myself to do what is suggested. I dunno. Its not as if I don’t have options. I have all sorts of crafty things. Beads embroidery coloring books yarn, crochet, etc. I’m even getting some old college textbooks in the mail soon to study on nutrition, psychology, Spanish, and… And something else, I can’t remember. But I suppose when I’m bored it can’t be any worse of a way to find something to do than just waiting until I think of something.

Of course now I have to fill out the lists. Uggghhhhhh. Well making myself do things I only sort of feel like doing is good for me. Builds character and all that. Man part of me wants to just run or wiggle or do something. I feel like I’m going stir crazy. I wish I had a basketball hoop in the yard. And a basket ball. And something to keep the basketball from running all the way down to the road. I dunno. Maybe a soccer ball. Agghh I want to MOVE! I’ll have to add some physical activities to the lists too. Or make a list of physical activities.

Well, I guess I’ll get to it. I’ll let you know how it goes.