Category: Minor Irritation

Posted in Food, Minor Irritation

Broken Diet

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

There had been tempting moments before and a failed moment before this one, but yesterday’s lapse was notably worse. The first was in the first piece of the diet and was a piece of mixed berry pie that was bland and sandy and not worth it and ended there. The second was a fig newton that I thought I could only eat half of and be okay but I could not only eat half. That was the day before last. The program that I go to provides breakfast and lunches I can no longer eat, and they’ve been having great treats lately; cheesecake, pumpkin pie, donuts, cupcakes, and finally when I reached my breaking point yesterday, red velvet cake. I had two slices and managed not to have more than that because I was full to the point of discomfort which doesn’t usually happen on my diet. When I got home, though, I followed it up with prune juice which is not allowed. and then had a double chocolate muffin.

The red velvet cake was okay. It was nice and soft and tasteless, though the cream cheese frosting was good. The chocolate muffin was bland and not worth it. I don’t even know why I ate it all. Carbs ust haven’t been tasting as good as they used to. It might be from that covid episode I had in november. It might just be because I’ve been drinking a lot of liquid with sweeteners in it and those are sweeter than regular sugar. I don’t know. But anyway there’s no real excuse for those two, but even if I hadn’t had them I’d have had to drink the prune juice. I hadn’t gone to the bathroom for over a week and I was broke and desperate. It worked thank god but juice is definitely a diet buster for low-carb diets.

I feel frustrated and depressed with myself. Partly because I ate the fig newton bar the day before which made it easier to cheat the next day. I made an excuse to myself saying if I’m going to break my diet I might as well do it with something better than a dry fig-freaking-newton. With the chocolate muffin it was ‘its already too late so I might as well’ sort of thing. They were all on top of the apple bowl, which I can’t have either but it’s much easier to resist apples than double chocolate muffins.

I was also nervous too. Yesterday was when I upped my workout from three miles to four miles on the exercycle and I wasn’t a hundred percent confident that I could it. I do it at four when dinner’s cooking or right before I make it so I get food immediately to replenish my energy and help repair muscles. I’ve been feeling sore and achey lately. I take multivitamins and now fiber tablets. I don’t know if it’s the exercising or trouble nutritionally with the food I”m eating. I’m basically eating protein, green veggies, and cheese.

n has me questioning both if I should and if I can keep on with atkins. Any other diet is way more triggering, though my screw up yesterday did trigger my ed last night. I purged a little but didn’t go the whole way. My urges to cheat have been completely emotional too, not physical at all. That’s also a weird thing that’s been going on. I haven’t been that hungry lately. I didn’t really want to eat breastfast this morning, but I did anyway. I made a three egg omlette with mushrooms and goat cheese and had a diet soda. Now I feel blah and sort of want something sweet and fatty. Though it’s not a physical craving and after having tasted them I don’t really want baked goods, just something super sweet like pure sugar.

I’ve been stressed because I have 60 left on my food stamps until february 9th. Breaking my diet stressed me out. I didn’t get to weigh myself on wednesday so I dont knwo if I lost anymore weight or not. I’m also stressed because now social security has messed up my check and I”m not getting my allotted $93 from social services, which means I can’t pay for college which means I can’t go until it’s fixed up. So I’m in a constant low key state of stress about things I can’t do anything about. The fact nothing tastes right doesn’t help. I’ll just have to figure out how to handle it and my diet at the same time, I’ll talk to my mom. She always makes me feel better.

Posted in Mental Health, Minor Irritation

Awake And Hating It

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

It’s 9pm and I am finally awake and alert unlike how I was all day today. It’s my own fault. I missed my meds this morning and one of them keeps me awake during the day very well. It may help keep me awake at night as well but at least I’m getting things done during the day like I’m supposed to. I ended up napping all day today and only woke up completely around eight. Granted I’m recovering from Covid but is it too much to ask that I sleep at night and am awake during the day? Is it?

I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything, especially my schoolwork. I got a lot of it done just now so I can focus on the paper but the dec 7 withdrawal deadline is looking pretty tempting. If I give up now, though, I don’t think I’ll ever get back to it. I have to make it through this post-COVID slump I’m in. I’m having trouble with my medication again. I always do when I’m sick and it’s hard to pick it back up afterward. Plus I’ve just started my period which means medication leaves my system faster, which makes it the worst time to be missing medication.

Now I’m awake with nothing to do but a paper that overwhelms me and a desperate desire to be sleeping again. I was having really interesting entertaining dreams today. I wish I could go back and finish them, you know. Part of me just doesn’t want to be awake ever, just dream my dreams, eat, do the bare minimum of what I have to and just spend every other moment sleeping.

It’s hard feeling bored and restless and frustrated and overwhelmed all at once. It makes me want to scream and throw things. Though that could be the medication lapse, too. I managed to eat oatmeal with chopsticks today, though. I’m not sure how, but I did it. obviously not soupy oatmeal, but still yay me. I’m probably abusing the electric kettle in eating oatmeal up here so much, but the mouse problem seems to be solved, possibly because of the snake under our oven. (yay snake).

I’ve also fallen behind with my bullet journal and schedule and morning pages thanks to being sick, but maybe I can pick them up again. though it involved doing it first thing in the morning and my mornings are now pretty much afternoons, which doesn’t work well for me at all. I’m still stuck trying to plan my day for being awake during the day. I have obligations during the day, too. I wish it wasn’t so difficult. I wanted to go for a walk today, too but now it’s night and that’s a bad idea. Maybe tomorrow. But probably not.

Posted in Major Irritation, Mental Health, Minor Irritation

The dumbest freaking question ever

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

How do you forget? It’s right there on the table next to you. Your lying right there in bed. How do you forget to take your meds? That is what I was asked last night. How do you forget? I hate that fucking question so much specially when they act like they expect an answer. Then when you can’t they act like it’s some sort of fucking ‘gotcha’ I always feel like they’re calling me a liar and think I’m just trying to get away with not wanting to take them. Because what the hell am I supposed to say to that?

I don’t know how I forget. Nobody knows how they forget. How did you forget? The last time you forgot something how did you do it? Explain it to me then ask me again how I forgot. Asking me how I fucking forgot something… It just fucking happens. Sure there are explanations but they’re all executive functioning issues which you don’t have and therefore don’t believe in, so fuck you and your question. I’m sick of it

Posted in Major Irritation, Mental Health, Minor Irritation, Relationships

Hatered is Annoyingly Intimate.

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I hate two people. That seems like not alot of people. But that’s just because I don’t know that many people well enough to hate them. I’ve been angry at entry of people. I’ve disliked many people. There have been several people that I just thought were outright worthless peices of shit, but that doesn’t equal hatred. Hatred is a very intense emotion.

See, I feel things strongly. I can get really pissed off at someone and be very angry but given enough time I can cool off and calm down and deal with it and be fine with them. I’m a pretty understanding person. Or at the very least I’m good at rationalizing away and forgiving other people’s bad behavior. To an extent. It can sometimes be hard for me to feel I don’t deserve certain behaviors. It can be hard to stop internalizing shit when you’ve grown up bullied, and been in abusive relationships. That said, it takes a hell of a lot for me to actually hate someone.

It also takes the inability to escape them to maintain that hatred. Of the two people I hate, one is my roommate, and one is the father of my two youngest children, twin boys. I won’t get into what he did. He’s not part of my life, but he is a large part of the reason my twins aren’t. Every time I have contact with him, it’s like ripping the blister off a burn and pouring hot water over it. As long as my twins are not part of my life, I will continue to hate him, even if he himself is also absent. The harm he has done me and is doing is ever present and as long as I think if him and my twins I will hurt and be hurt and thus will not be able to stop hating him. I won’t go into it further because I’m still just that raw about him and I can’t deal right now.

The second person I hate is my roommate Rosa. If you’ve read my prior stuff about my roommates you’ll know why I’m so constantly pissed off with her. She’s not a bad person, though. She is a pathetic person. She’s not the smartest person. She’s also a kind caring and generous person. And the fact that I dislike her is half the reason I hate her. The other half is being unable to get away from her long enough to stop being upset and angry for long enough in between her doing things that upset me. Like how a dam only works if it has long enough to drain the excess water in between stormed. Too much water from too many storms with not enough time to drain in between and the dam will break. My dam fucking broke

I have hated several other people much worse than my roommate that I don’t hate now because they are no longer in my life. My father’s ex fiancee who was horrible to me and did extreme damage to my mental health, I hated her, and my opinion of her hasn’t changed now that she’s gone and I don’t have to deal with her any more. But I’m not being hurt by her any more and never will be again so I don’t hate her any more. I think very little of her and consider her a poor excuse for a human being but I’m not angry so much any more because I don’t have to be to survive her abuse. I don’t have to think about her and it’s hard to hate what you don’t have to think about and doesn’t matter any more or affect your life in any way any more. She’s a bad memory. The most annoying thing I have to deal with in regards to her right now is the realization that she was absolutely right about a literary critique she had about a book I wrote. (Not published) But even that is more my being annoyed that she was such a bitch I couldn’t accept that justified criticism and use it to improve my work fifteen years ago. It’s merely inconvenient.

Two other people I hated were both abusive ex lovers. My ex husband, and my ex fiancee the father of my two older boys. My ex husband… I don’t think I hated him properly. I may not have hated him at all. I was angry at him, but I also very much loved him. Not only that but I was not emotionally mature enough or healthy enough to have the proper feelings of hatred for my abuser at the time I think that I merely should have hated him, but instead was just heartbroken and hurt by him instead.

That’s actually an odd contrast to the children I hated when I was young that I just don’t seem to consider as really counting as true hatred, though it was closer to true hatred than what ever I felt for my ex husband along those lines. It was hatred but not it was just .. puppy hatred. You call it puppy love when you fall in love as a child. Because you’re falling in love with feelings and new experiences as much as you are with the actual person. Maybe more so. Puppy love is falling in love with the act of loving and feeling and being loved. So puppy hatred is much the same, hating the act of hatred, of feeling hatred and being treated with hateful acts from others.

I hated because I was bullied and treated badly, not because I knew the person and hated them personally. They didn’t know me either. Bullying is a form of puppy hatred. It’s shallow and influenced more by what other people think things should be like than anything substantial. Hating because you’re told you should hate. Thinking you hate because you’re told that’s what those feelings mean. What we hated were not each other but ideas and behaviors that the other person was acting out. They were told my being different was bad and hating that was okay and right. I was told the same thing and hated that line of thinking because I didn’t believe it. Puppy hatred, like puppy love, doesn’t require you to really know much about the actual person opposite you at all

The last person I hated and don’t hate anymore, my ex fiancee, the father of my oldest boys, I simply don’t hate because I am free of him. I’m no longer trapped with him. He’s stopped being bad to me in ways I can’t handle and distance myself from so my hatred is just gone. He is still inexorably in my life, but no longer in a way that he can hurt me and that I cannot escape from. I don’t like him. In fact I despise him. I think very little of him and consider him a pathetic worthless thing in so many ways. I loathe him because he still hurts my boys but I have reached a place where hatred is no longer necessary for my survival in any way. And it’s not helpful for anyone.

Oh it flares up every now and then. I have moments of hatred like when I learned he would spank my son’s for crying. It comes with my anger and in front of my boys, partly because they deserve it. They deserve to have their father hated for hurting them. But since I can still see and speak to them, not hating him is even more important because being calm and unaffected for the most part is necessary in order to be able to keep seeing and speaking to them. In truth, if this was an even slightly popular blog and there was any chance of him seeing this, I wouldn’t be saying this about him because that might fuck up my ability to see my children. It’s funny how there’s safety in being unknown and unimportant and having someone care nothing about you. But no, I for the most part don’t hate him anymore.

That’s part of what makes my hatred for my roommate so frustrating. I hate that I hate her. I don’t like hating her. I hate being a person who hates someone like her. It feels petty and mean and … And bigoted in some way. Because she’s not smart and she is disabled with severe anxiety. I hate that I hate her because I don’t like hating people. She’s not nearly as bad as any of the other people I hated, but she just keeps doing things that hurt me extremely and won’t stop. Like pouring hot water on a burn. She didn’t burn me. It’s not her fault these things bother or hurt me more than they do other people without the ‘burn’ But at the same time. I’ve told her over and over again that I can’t handle when she does these things she knows better but she does it any ways.

It’s getting a little better. I can go longer without feeling my hatred. I can be nice to her more again, like I used to be until the dam broke, but I think I have to accept the fact that as long as we’re roommates she’s going to keep doing the shit she always does. And if she stops it’s only going to be because I yelled and screamed and made my anger not only super fucking clear but obviously that it’s entirely dependant on whether or not she leaves me the fuck alone. That she can’t be pathetic and cry and please don’t hate me I to being okay with her pushing my buttons and violating my boundaries. I’m further convinced that as soon as I do stop hating her she’s going to start that bullshit up again as soon as she realizes it and that pisses me off.

It’s not fair that I have to be a snarling heartless bitch in order to not be triggered and have my boundaries violated. I resent that like you would not believe. I don’t want to have to be forced to scream ‘leave me alone’ at the top of my lungs repeatedly in order for her to leave me the fuck alone. I don’t want to have to ask ‘can I help you?’ in a bitchy clearly irritated manner in order to get her to stop lurking and staring and creeping in in my personal space every fucking time I leave my room. And I absolutely hate being so tense and anxious about her presence that even her just calling up the steps to me raises my hackles and makes me irritated and angry. Especially when she’s calling up the steps to ask if I want some pizza she ordered or if I want a sub.

It’s exhausting being around her and I hate who I am around her. And I hate her for that as much as I do for her pushing my buttons and violating my boundaries and doing things that upset me. I may hate her for that even more than I do for the things that directly upset me. I know that Ive passed the point where I am officially a toxic person to her. She’s also one to me but I look more unreasonable about it. Hatred is just such a frustrating complicated messy irritating thing.

Posted in Mental Health, Minor Irritation, Relationships

Well Meaning but Exhausting

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I don’t think there’s anything more emotionally exhausting than people who speak to you and accidentally reveal they don’t know anything about what you’re trying to talk to them about. Usually this involves my mental illness. I have depression and anxiety and sometimes they take over. Nice people who care about me often say the most frustrating things while trying to help me. Sometimes it ends up making me feel worse.

The first is the ‘keep a positive attitude’ crowd. I say I feel depressed. They tell me to think happy thoughts and remember the positive. I was recently told I’m “too bless to be stress or depress”. No I’m not. There’s a hell of a lot of shitty things in my life that I can’t do anything about that are perfectly valid things to be upset about. In fact there has been so many for so long that it fucking changed my brain chemistry into having miserable as it’s default state. I can’t ‘happy thought’ that away any more than so done who’s lactose intolerant can digest milk products better by thinking about how many yummy things have lactose in them.

The worst response to trying to talk to someone about it when I’m feeling bad is being asked, ‘have you discussed this with your therapist’? It always sounds like they’re just telling me to shut up so they don’t have to deal with me and my problems. Sometimes people try to get you to talk but there’s nothing to say. Sometimes the misery’s just there with no trigger you can think of, no problems that would explain it as far as you know and there’s just nothing you can say.

I used to get mad but I know they mean well and don’t understand and won’t understand. I know this because I tried explaining it to them and it never works. People want easy solutions and to think it’s within our control more than it is, so they convince themselves that’s how it is. They don’t want to understand half the time. It’s incredibly frustrating, but now I just feel immediately exhausted and know that I can’t talk to them about this stuff again.

I don’t think bad thoughts most of the time. I just feel bad feelings. Most of the time the feelings come first. Sometimes it feels like I think the thoughts in order to explain the feelings. That the feelings trigger the thoughts and not the other way around. Sometimes the thoughts or situation does trigger the feeling, but not always. These well meaning people are never helpful in either situation.

When I believed them it made things worse. I would feel guilty for feeling depressed when I had no reason to be. Or that I was specially defective because I couldn’t think happy thoughts and be okay. The implicaton that I should only discuss my problems with my therapist made me keep everything in and keeping everything in and not thinking about it for a week is not a great way to remember it all to talk about during a one hour appointment. It just gets buried and forgotten until it isn’t anymore. It rarely waited until my therapy appointment to come back to haunt me.

It’s depressing realizing the ways in which people you like who like you back can’t help you. Especially when you want to go to them and they want you to come to them, or they think they do at least. Everyone wants to think they can be there for people they care about but the truth is they probably can’t. Life gets in the way, experience or lack of it gets in the way, history, ability, mood, energy, resources. People don’t have enough of any of that to do what they want to do for everyone they want to do it for. That’s just how it is. Their hearts write checks that their minds can’t cash.

I don’t even want much. I want someone to listen to my problems and tell me I’m not crazy for being upset by them. Or if I am. But most of the time I just want to be near someone and be held by them and be miserable but with someone else beside me just letting me be miserable and loving me anyways. Telling me I’m wrong to feel how I feel or that I shouldn’t be talking to them just makes me feel unwanted and like they don’t really care. It kind of makes being alone alot more bearable.

Posted in Major Irritation, Minor Irritation, Relationships

An Ace Thing or a Woman sick of Men’s Shit Thing?

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

I find it exhausting when I’m talking to someone and we’re both romantically interested and they start talking about sex. I don’t mean like a discussion, I mean saying sexual things as flirting like ‘i wont say what I’d rather eat’. It just sucks the life out of any interest I had in continuing the conversation. Like if someone you were having a nice conversation with someone and they suddenly said, “I like to lick sidewalks”. Huh. Okay. Bye.

I know that comparing sex to licking sidewalks is purely an Ace thing. As in like sex, I have no real desire to lick sidewalks don’t understand why people have to talk about it all the damn time, but if I had a very good reason to do it I could, and have. Its just a hell of a lot of trouble for no real payout and a chance to get it even more trouble later…… Hmm Maybe it should be more like comparing it to smoking weed. Granted when it comes to comparing smoking weed to having sex, I’m probably in the minority that would just rather not.

But I can’t be the only one who is just tired of that crap. I just want real conversations. I know someone is interested in me physically when they call me beautiful. They don’t have to imply they want to do things for me physically to understand it. Especially when I don’t even like it. And I told them I don’t like it. I want to just have fucking conversations. That’s it. That’s fucking it! It can’t be just an Ace thing. Surely there has to be a point where sex intrudes on the conversation so much that even the majority of women just don’t want to fucking deal.

I started talking to someone again who I hadn’t talked to in a while. He’s nice. He likes me. He appreciates me. But the second conversation the inuuendos we’re back and now I’m like ohhh that’s why I never called him back. I mean he tells me to call him when I’m down or if I need to talk, but the thought of having to deal with that shit in the middle of a conversation especially when I’m upset is just… No.

I don’t know. I hate men sometimes. I just… I just want someone to actually talk to and be intimate with emotionally, and physically just not sexually. At this point I kind of resent the very existence of sex. I wish we laid eggs instead. Or something like that. Though god could you imagine the size of those eggs? Fuck. Maybe not. At this point I’ll settle for a guy who just won’t talk about it and won’t try to do things ‘for me’ that I already said I don’t want him to do. Fuck.

I hate men.

Posted in Entertainment, Minor Irritation, My Writing, Random Thoughts

Not So Romantic

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

So I wanted to watch a movie and went online and saw something called The Accidental Bride with Uma Thurman and Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Colin Firth. It looked interesting and I haven’t really seen Jeffrey Dean Morgan in anything but Supernatural, so I thought I’d give it a try. Well, I couldn’t finish it. I thought it was horrible. Not the acting but the plot.

First if all it wasn’t an accident, the male lead sabotaged her wedding by changing the state registry info to make it so he and she are married. Why? Because his girlfriend of 5 months who he was getting married to broke up with him after talking to the female lead, a relationship talk show host. Who very clearly did. It say break up with him, but said you know deep down what you have to do. Granted she had made some good points about the girl rushing it to not be alone, but she didn’t make the decision for her.

I got to where Uma gets drunk and wakes up in JDM’s apartment (nothing happened but he made it sound like it did with a thanks for last night note on the door and I couldn’t watch any more. It turns out manipulation, revenge and emotional abuse isn’t romantic or funny to me anymore after being in an abusive relationship myself. Uma did nothing wrong and the thought of watching her fall in love with this selfish creep tormenting her for his own failed relationship was just too much.

Being in abusive relationships has ruined romantic movies for me. The lies, manipulation, insults, and purposeful harm people do to each other make me too angry. Much less people’s reactions to it. I didn’t want to see Colin be angry with Uma over being manipulated into getting drunk in a stressful situation, or supposed infidelity she was too drunk to remember if it happened or not. I didn’t want to see her find good in JDM and loveable qualities because this man attempted to destroy her and I certainly didn’t want to see him end up happily ever after with her.S

If it ended with JDM in jail and her comforted and protected by an understanding loving Colin getting married to him at the end maybe it would be something refreshing. But I know better than that. That would be the end of a suspense thriller or something not a romantic comedy. We’re supposed to dislike her and think it’s okay what he did to her because of that when it’s not.

So much of romance in movies seems to be terrible behavior framed as love. This wasn’t even that at the start. This was more like Overboard with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn which I loved at the time, but absolutely hate the thought of now. You don’t get in a relationship with someone capable of things like that, you just don’t.

One thing I liked about Supernatural was that in this one episode where a shifter pretended to be a family dog and fell in love with the mother then decided not to betray them and rescued them in the end was that he did not get the girl. He was rejected because yeah, that’s messed up. I felt bad for him, but in truth that’s how it should be. You don’t come back from things like that. You shouldn’t.

Love doesn’t make it okay to do terrible things to prove and it doesn’t erase that they’re capable of doing those terrible things. It especially does undo the fact that they did it to you. My Mother’s Boyfriend was a good one because it turned out the boyfreind was a good guy who had to keep secrets for his real job and it was more a comedy of misunderstandings than abuse made romantic. The son in that one was the slightly fucked up one in what he did but you understood his position and loving and forgiving your children is different from a romantic interest.

I don’t know. My abusive relationships are what made me realize how screwed up the twilight series is. Its a perfectly written book trilogy about two horrible people falling in love with each other. The terrible thing is that they’re portrayed as romantic ideals. I think when Bella compared them to Katherine and heath life in withering heights it was more accurate than she intended. If only the author was more self aware of that it could have been great, but instead it teaches people horrible lessons about love.

I won’t get into that though. I could go on forever about the twilight books, and I don’t feel like it. Its exhausting, though, it drove me crazy because people kept hating it for the wrong reasons which is as infuriating as liking it for the wrong reasons. I will say this it made me think about what I wanted to say with my writing alot more than anything else ever did. But anyways, bad romance. I can’t enjoy it any more. In truth I identify with most mainstream romance the way Ellen did with Bill Pullman in Mr. Wrong. (Which I thought was brilliant, by the way.) But I guess that’s how it goes, you know. Once you see something that’s wrong, you can’t unsee it.

Like how in Ranma 1/2 its harder to enjoy because of the way Ranma is treated. I can’t see boys being sexually harassed or assaulted and find it funny anymore. I never should have in the first place but everyone is suceptible to socialization, you know. But that leaves me with trying to figure out something to watch and a need to do something to change that with my writing. Or at least in it, which I already have partly. But it is what it is, I guess. Being able to see it now isn’t such a bad thing.

Posted in Minor Irritation

I Don’t Want To Be Your Friend

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

               Dear roommates,

              I don’t want to be your friend. I’m not saying I hate you (though I kind of do at least one of you at this point) but there’s no other  friendlier way to say it.  I do not want to pretend to be friends. I do not want to hang out. We have nothing to talk about and I hate talking about nothing so I do not want to ‘just talk’ to you.  I don’t want to tell everyone everything I’m doing when I’m in the kitchen. I don’t want to be interrupted with everything I’m doing for no goddamn reason. And I don’t want to have to keep saying no I want to eat my own food all by myself that I cook myself and pay for myself and not share it with you.

             I want to be able to enter and leave my room without greeting you or saying goodbye to you all the goddamn time.  I would like to move around the house without it being considered a fucking social event. I want to be pleasantly ignored and not talked to without a purpose or stared at. I don’t want to just say hi. I don’t want to talk about nothing. I just want to exist in this house without hassle. Is that okay?

             I just want to be left alone. That’s all. Just leave me alone. I’m not your friend. Its like if you had to go to class and instead of being allowed to just go to your seat and get settled you were forced to stand at the front of the class and introduce yourself to every fucking day.  Stop making me talk to you! I don’t want to talk to you. I especially don’t want to talk to you two because one of you both mumbles quietly and is a mushmouth when speaking and I have auditory processing issues and the other one of you is a ball of anxiety wound so tightly that your very presence makes me feel unbearably anxious and uncomfortable and I dread our every interaction. 

              I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to interact unless necessary, it is painful and exhausting to me. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. Don’t talk to me unless you absolutely have to and just let me be in my room in peace. Please. I especially hate being called over in the middle of doing something for you to tell me something that could easily have been called to me in the first place.  If you want to talk to me so badly it can’t wait you come to me. Or better yet just please don’t fucking talk to me. I’m a cat, not a dog. 

               I wish to god there was any polite way to convey any of this, but it’s just not possible. Trying to be polite but not encouraging doesn’t work, and it just drives me crazy sometimes.  so I have to write something like this that I know you’ll never see because I don’t want to be mean but it’s driving me crazy! God though why is it so hard to just not talk to me?!!!!!!

Posted in Behavior, Major Irritation, Minor Irritation

Resentful

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

           I don’t really want to go to my program. I spend two to three hours at least waiting and traveling to go to a one hour program and come home. I leave around nine thirty and get home between one and two. The program is ten thirty to eleven thirty. Sometimes with a shopping trip which can be useful, but alot of the time is spent waiting outside for rides to come. I’m not getting paid for this. It does absolutely nothing for me. I learn nothing new. I don’t want to do it.

           My residential program wants me to do it very much. They insist on it. So the fact that their half of the ride to my program cannot be contacted and has not come for the last several weeks is pissing me off. I’m expected to call everyone when this happens even though I get no answer at all and if I do, not in a timely fashion.

        I am fully aware that this is a bratty possibly entitled position to take, but there is a limited amount of effort I’m willing to put into doing something that does not benefit me at all that I don’t want to do in the first place. That amount of effort certainly does not include doing more than the people who insist on me doing it who are getting paid to do it as their fucking job. It is not my job to make sure staff does their job. I don’t work for them.

         I hate this. I’m probably going to try and find another program closer to where I am that can pick me up. This really isn’t working.

Posted in Mental Health, Minor Irritation

Detatchment

Posted on by rsfahrudeen

                Time has little meaning to me. Memory doesn’t do that much for me either. The phrase out of sight out of mind is often too true for me. I don’t think of people I don’t see or have the chance to see her often and the times between are just a fugue of indeterminate length. I don’t miss them very often because while I’m know they still exist (object permanence) I have no sense of how much time has past. Like how a dog thinks you’ve been gone forever, except for me it’s you’ve been gone never. Years or hours apart are the same to me, except years feel like hours and not the other way around.

                People exist as my strongest memories of them which aren’t always the most recent. Sahar my best friend was the woman who took me in when I needed it and listened to me reading my books aloud while she did things. She’s dead now. I’m never going to see her again, but that doesn’t have as much meaning to me as I feel it should. My grandmother’s who I loved very much are gone too, but it’s hard to feel it. 

              My twins, who were taken from me as infants, are forever smiling kicking chubby little babies grabbing at each other’s hair, taking toys from each other’s hands and listening to me sing. They’re seven now and very much alive, but I doubt I can see them again. I broke so thoroughly after loosing them that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to recover.

             My daughter is almost twenty and I still see her as a four year old, playing with cars, coloring with me and doing puzzles, Calling lunch ‘yunch’, snuggling with me at night. The age I had to leave her with my father. That broke me, too. But not as much because I was already broken and not doing well and that was why I had to leave her.  With the twins I was functioning higher than I ever had been before and everything was finally coming together. That’s what made it more devastating.

             I feel like I’m just floating through the world sometimes. That it doesn’t make a difference.  That nothing makes a difference. That no one does. People are just shadows that turn into dreams and nightmares but more often night mares. Most of them just vaguely exist on the edge of my consciousness until forced into my presence in some way.

              I don’t really know how to make that any different. I don’t know how to escape this Fugue of hu man disconnection. I don’t know why I feel so relieved when I’m by myself again, alone, forgetting about everything outside the moment.